A Major Plot Twist

via Daily Prompt: Elevate

So I met someone else. This has my world spinning in a different direction than I thought. I have not met up with VG yet, we were talking and of course had plans that he eventually broke, his work excuses started up again. I get it, but I don’t. It really all is work-related but the constant work excuse is tiring and wearing thin now. And I can say with absolute certainty there is not someone else, at least for him, but the lack of plans is just not acceptable if he really wants to make this work. I honestly don’t know where we are headed, if anywhere anymore, but I need to take a step back and reassess.

So the new guy and I met up in my town for a drink and the place where we were supposed to meet was closed for the Labor Day holiday. As I waited outside, I saw him walking toward me. He is absolutely adorable and has the most incredible crystal clear blue eyes I have ever seen on a human besides my Dad. As he approached me he gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek and told me I was absolutely stunning. We talked a little bit and I said to him let’s get in my car and go to another place that I knew would be open. We had talked quite a bit before our official date so I was comfortable with him.

Our date started at 6pm and we ended up going to a little wine bar by me and had some small plates of cheese, fruit, crackers, hummus, olives – all the good stuff. We talked non-stop. He is extremely extroverted like me (yay) and we have a lot in common. The hours flew by and next thing we knew the place was closing at 10pm (thanks again Labor Day holiday weekend). He said he didn’t want our date to end, and neither did I, and was there another place we could go? I said let’s go back to my place, hang and listen to music (more on that later). I honestly was not worried about him coming over. He kissed me as we got into my car and oh man, he did not disappoint.

As I’ve written before I love music. I have a wide variety of taste, recall lyrics eerily and will sing my heart out. New/old guy and I listened to so much music together and sang together all the time. After our breakup it was hard to listen to music again, particularly my itunes playlists because he always wanted me to put on my playlists. We debated about music, artists, lyrics, we cooked to music, kissed to music, drank to music, drove with music blaring, sat on the beach listening to music. We played name that tune and artist with each other. And with the Sunday night date guy, aka Guitar Hero, music is a big part of his life too. He is a Gemini like me (so there are literally 4 of us conversing), outgoing, tall, dark hair, those damn blue eyes that suck you in, and a musician by night. Yes, a real musician. He has a day job that he enjoys and pays the bills but he has been in a band for decades. They actually write music, perform and produce what was formerly known as records/cds. He plays rhythm guitar, trombone and sings lead vocals.

We had a blast together. It was all pretty PG, well maybe PG-R for the rest of the night. We did not do the deed although believe me he had me totally turned on, but because he, wait for it – wants to get to know me first he didn’t want to jump into that. He said he really likes me and told me he is wildly attracted to me and I have to say I feel quite the attraction too. Shit, this wasn’t supposed to happen! This was not in my plans. But it did, and I was smiling when he left my house at 2:15 am (remember our date started at 6pm). The time flew. He actually commented at one point that he had to get his kids in the morning so he needed to leave by midnight. We looked at the clock and he was like holy shit it’s 2am! I kid you not. We had no idea as we were  not keeping track of time.

I have school this week at night so we made plans to see each other Thursday night. He doesn’t live far from where I work. I got a sweet text when he got home (at 3am) telling me what a great time he had and how he can’t wait to see me again. He then texted me later in the morning and told me I have incredible eyes as well (they’re kind of a blue/gray depending on what I am wearing) and he had a hard time concentrating on what I was saying. He is a believer in relationships not hookups and serial dating. We made plans a few weeks out as well to go see a band that he likes in Brooklyn and he wants me to come see him play at the end of the month. It was an epic first date. Haven’t had one of those in a very long time.

I am looking forward to seeing him again. We are going to take this slow (even if it physically kills me lol). We have enjoyed our conversations and now each others company too. We will not elevate anything to relationship status until the time is right, if it even ever comes to that. He has fallen hard in the past and been disappointed – we share similar relationship stories. We like each other and I see some great fun ahead and if it turns into something else it will be organic and not forced. No matter what, I was laughing and smiling again but most of all enjoying kissing someone who believe me can freaking kiss like a boss! Man, oh man. It’s always nice to feel sexy especially when it involves not just how you look but as he says my intelligence as well.

But most of all I had fun and re-discovered my love of music and being able to listen to my ipod without feeling nostalgic or sad.

My life never goes as planned, especially my love life, but then again do any of our lives ever really go as planned? People enter into our lives for a reason or a season and that reason may be to get your spark back and restore your faith in yourself that you are a pretty fucking awesome catch and anyone who does get to know you should consider himself (or herself) lucky that they did.

And if all this amounts to is just one great date – well then I am happy that it happened and I know I will be okay – because I already am.

Have a great rest of the week everyone – I start school Wednesday and it will be back to work as well. Today is a beach day with a great friend and her kids so just a little more R&R for me ahead.

#dailyprompt

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A Break is Critical

via Daily Prompt: Critical

No, not a relationship break. I need a little time off from blogging. I begin classes again next week (insert screaming face here) and already have an assignment to read for one class (again insert screaming face here). I am taking a few days off from work, much needed, and recharging my batteries for the upcoming semester. Work is also draining me. I am spearheading a huge initiative that will impact the entire University I work for, so to say the pressure is on would be an understatement. I am exhausted mentally and it has shown in my sleep patterns and overall lethargy.

I have also started writing my book again. It has been a labor of love and I neglected it for a few months. I am going to concentrate on that for a bit. I love my blog and writing for it, but I also have this burning fire inside me to finish my book. I’m not sure if it will ever be published or fulfill my dream of being a successful author, but it is an accomplishment, a personal one for me. And you never know what can happen in this life.

As for my relationship status – well, it’s complicated but okay. I am sure I will have lots to report on soon. I have some clarity about what I want relationship-wise and what I deserve. I got an unexpected visit from my ex and now friend, The Complicated One. He always has great advice and makes me laugh. He may irritate me at times, but I love him dearly and am grateful we are at a place in our relationship where we value each other as friends. He always has good advice and like my girlfriends, is one of my biggest cheerleaders. And talking with him made me realize a few things about myself. As he says put it out to the universe and wait for it to return what you want.

So to all my wonderful followers and readers and fellow bloggers, I’ll see you in a few days. I will, as always, be reading and commenting on your blogs and maybe if a daily prompt catches my interest I’ll even contribute a piece to it. But I need to be lazy and enjoy the calm before the storm. And as much as I joke about going back to school I secretly love it. I will always be a student in both the classroom of life and academically.

Never.stop.learning.

Have a wonderful weekend and week everyone, xoxo.

#dailyprompt

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A Thank You, Sort Of

via Daily Prompt: Homage

I want to pay homage to some of my exes, well sort of. I would like to thank my exes for:

Teaching me that I can’t force love. You were selfish in taking it, and also in giving it back.

Teaching me that communication is key. You thought hiding in plain sight was better, when it only showed me that you are a coward and I deserve more.

Teaching me that I need to always listen. You taught me what it feels like when your partner doesn’t and only responds and accuses.

Thank you for walking away and treating me as if I had no feelings or didn’t matter. Your silence was louder than an alarm clock and it woke me up to what I deserve and it was not your treatment.

Teaching me that not everyone has good intentions. You took more from me than I should have allowed and I learned that my empathetic and compassionate nature is not an invitation to allow someone to use you for what you have. They are only out for themselves and you will be discarded once your assets dry up.

Thank you for breaking up with me, more than once. It taught me that a real relationship takes two and if you could walk away more than once and treat me as if I didn’t exist, then I need to realize that I deserve better and I will find better, and you, will never understand how a real relationship should work. I will not be there when you feel it is convenient to come and go and I will not wait around for you to leave me again. I rediscovered my self worth and that is something you will never know.

Teaching me that not everyone can be fixed. You need to fix yourself first and if all you care about is your problems and never ask me if I’m okay, that is not okay.

But most of all thank you to the guy who always believed in me and in us, no matter how fraught our journey has been, you are the one who deserves my heart and I yours, and we have a beautiful thing ahead of us. I am cautious and hopeful, but I am also strong and will not settle either. No one should ever settle, not ever.

#dailyprompt

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Homage

Don’t stay in a toxic relationship and let yourself heal after it has ended. You are better than what they could give you and know your worth, always. Great post by a fellow blogger.

MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO

To the girl who needs to fall back in love with herself,

You’re going to be more than okay.

It’s very normal to abandon yourself in a toxic love in the effort to keep the relationship. And that’s usually when we start to fall out of love with ourselves. When this happens we hand over our whole self-worth and significance to another person, and before we know it our mood and happiness becomes entirely dependent on them.

When that relationship ends we don’t know how to live, let alone how to be happy without them. The truth is you’re going to be more than okay – there is so much light and happiness ahead if you chose to let go, and fall back in love with yourself.

Stop fighting the old.

Don’t try to understand why the person did what they did. You can spend years analyzing and still…

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The Disappearing Friend

We all have them and some of us have done it too. We reunite with our old loves or we are in a new relationship and all of sudden we disappear. Those late night sessions where we’d cry to our friends about the guy who hurt us or that we hated being single are now a distant memory. And we become the friend who disappears. Our life has gotten better and we don’t need to cry or vent anymore. Slowly we start to pull away, call less, text less, just be there less.

I’ve had these friends in my life and I have done it in the past, years ago, not anymore as I’ve gotten older. With age comes wisdom. Even in my most recent relationship I would never hesitate taking a phone call, sending a text (not hours later), seeing someone or just being there when a friend needed me. If the guy I am with cannot understand that sometimes a friend needs me and maybe for a short time that day he has to wait until I finish talking with the friend in need then he is not worth being in my life. But sadly, I know friends who will not talk if their guy is around. I guess I value my friendships too much to not take the time out to make sure the person is okay, when they clearly need me.

My friend’s Dad had heart surgery the other day. She is like a sister to me, only closer if that is possible. She is an only child and has a great support network of friends, cousins, etc., but I knew she would have to spend the day alone as her parents are divorced. Knowing she would be alone I didn’t hesitate taking time off to just sit with her (as did my other friend) and let her know that she has a support system who loves her. We would be there for her. I am not writing this because I expect accolades or recognition for it. It is just what friends, true friends, do for each other. It didn’t matter to me what plans I may have had, I knew where I wanted to be.

Reach out to the friend who needs you, make sure they are okay. Stop revolving your life around a man, who may or may not be there for you in the future. If you are lucky enough to have friends who would walk through fire for you and have been there for you at your worst, also remember that being a friend is being there for someone when you are at your best too. One day you may be the one crying again and you’ll find yourself alone and regretful that you abandoned your friend when he or she needed you the most. Just reaching out may mean the world to someone who needs it.

Have a great weekend everyone. And thoughts and prayers with those in the path of Hurricane Harvey.

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It’s a wrap, and a prediction

I had another date with The Rock again last night. Sushi and drinks in a beautiful town in central Jersey. The conversation flowed, he was sweet in his gestures and well, probably not for me. I can’t quite pinpoint it but I’m not feeling it. It may be that he is pushing a relationship with me, to be exclusive, and honestly, I’m not ready for that yet, or maybe I don’t want it with him. Probably the latter. It’s a wrap on this one for me.

As a self-described relationship girl, this probably comes as a surprise to many who don’t know me, but I won’t be with someone just to be with someone. Been there once and it was a disaster. And it’s also the reason why I won’t be with someone who has continually hurt me, just to be with someone. Been there, done that and trust me, it does not ever end well. It’s too hard when you have to keep wondering when they will hurt you or leave you again. I can’t do that to myself. If I want you in my life you will know it. I’ll fight to save a relationship if I think you and I are worth it, but I can’t do all the saving. I am very picky about whom I allow in my life (if an ex is reading this consider yourself lucky or possibly unlucky because at times I am relentless lol).

And most likely the reason I am not ready for a relationship with anyone right now is VG is still in the picture. Next year at this time I predict I will be writing about how we make our long distance relationship work (lordy I hope I did not jinx it!). I won’t go into details yet, I need to keep them private from everyone in my life. Sometimes oversharing harms the outcome. It is between he and I, but a conversation happened that was a game changer for both of us. I will share when I am ready. But it is good, really good between us, and about to get better. A reunion is imminent and I can’t wait to see those hazel eyes and crooked adorable smile. I’m smiling just thinking about him. It won’t be easy, his work schedule, school for me, and distance all bring challenges to us seeing each other frequently, but we promised make the best of the time we can allow. We both feel that the future will eventually hold a different scenario for us when it comes to distance, and it’s a good scenario. Patience and understanding with each other will be the key to us making this work.

And I received the best possible news this week as well. My Dad’s cancer was downgraded to low grade after his procedure. This basically means that it will be watch and wait with checkups every three months. The cancer has not spread. His 89th birthday is Tuesday and today I celebrated at his house, there was so much to celebrate.

School starts in two weeks (insert screaming face here) so I’m planning some beach days before it happens. My life is about to get quite hectic, but in a good way, and my love life is about to take off, in a great way. Fingers crossed.

Have a great week everyone. Stay positive and strong, xo.

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Under your spell no more

via Daily Prompt: Trance

I was under your spell for so long, not thinking clearly as if in a trance. I let you rule my thoughts and even worse, my heart. I saw signs of you everywhere I went, still do. I heard songs that reminded me of you, still do. So many reminders, so many memories that eventually came with so much hurt, of which at times, there still is.

But slowly I have begun to find the antidote to the spell you put me under. It is called self-worth and it is more powerful than anything you can dish out to hurt me again. I know what I deserve and I know you cannot give it to me, you’ve proven that more than once. And my resilience, even when handed some of the worst pain in this world, has proven to me that I am strong, and worthy, of a great life and a great love.

#dailyprompt

 

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Hope 

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Healing is Solitary

via Daily Prompt: Solitary

Healing is a solitary process. Friends and family may be there to listen, comfort and dry your tears, but healing from heartbreak is an internal process that you must face head on. You can do your best to keep yourself busy in order to keep those thoughts which haunt you over and over again at bay. But there are times you just feel the crushing ache, sometimes it happens in the morning or randomly throughout the day or at night. For me, it is the late evening right before I go to sleep.

should-i-delete-all-pictures-of-my-ex-614-zmRnd3aWlOJO42SXV1yV

I had a long talk with someone on Wednesday who has been through some pretty horrible relationships but is now content and married, late in life. After a bitter failed marriage and a few bad relationships that followed, she realized that she needed to do some serious self-reflection as to why her relationships were not working out. She realized that the men all had something in common, they were broken, irreparably broken. Everyone has issues and a past, but the men in her life all had issues that they could not deal with in a normal healthy manner. One drank too much and became verbally abusive, another would pick fights with her when things weren’t going well for him, another had so many family issues that he couldn’t deal with he would disappear for days, and the reasons go on and on. She realized that she didn’t want the person who couldn’t deal with life and treated her as his punching bag or second choice. She wanted the guy who, even if he has issues, is able to function and deal with them in a healthy manner and treat her as a true partner. I completely related to everything she was saying. I have been there too and allowed these type of men in my life as well. I am not issue free but the man in my life doesn’t have to be perfect, but he needs to have his life together. She gave me this advice – the cycle of hurt ends when you stop it from happening. If you keep allowing the same people who hurt you into your life, it won’t end. Free your mind and your heart, no matter how hard that seems. You will be better off, even if you feel as if you can’t imagine life without him.

I know I am strong. I know I won’t go back to someone who doesn’t have my best interests at heart because I feel lonely. I am better than that. I am stronger than that. As crushing as missing him hits me at times, I keep remembering that he hurt me, very badly, more than once. You can get a free pass (I use that term loosely) and work it out the first time, but the second time and any chances thereafter, you get no more passes, no matter how much I miss you or how much you try to convince me you won’t do it again. Because you will do it again, maybe not immediately, but you will. And I will not allow my heart to feel the solitary crush of heartbreak, not again, not from you. I am worth more and deserve better than that. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I am relieved and happy that I did.

As for my life right now, I had another great beach date the other day with the Pill Pusher. He is an interesting guy and great for casual fun. This Saturday I have another date with The Rock. I have to say The Rock has been calling and texting, not overly and not intermittently, just the right amount. He lets me know he is thinking about me. There is definitely potential looming, but of course I am taking it very slow and will see what happens. I don’t know him well enough yet, but I am liking what I see so far.

Moving on is never easy, but not ending the cycle of hurt is even harder. If you don’t allow yourself the opportunity to see what happens and keep hoping for your past loves to come back, you will be only allowing the opportunity for heartbreak to win again. And I, not matter how difficult it is to close the door, am slamming it shut this time, and changing the lock and key to my heart as well.

#dailyprompt

 

 

 

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Just Settle In, or Not

via Daily Prompt: Grainy

This post was not meant to harm anyone or point to anyone particular in my life. I have done a lot of self-reflection the past two years and have also heard and listened to a lot of what people in my life have said to me, either about my life or their own. I wrote this to make us all think about what we allow. The events that have unfolded in our country the past few days are in my own opinion – horrific and disturbing. The response from our President has me thinking how anyone can defend his rationale. To me it is indefensible. But he repeatedly showed us who he is before his campaign, during it and now after it. And sadly so do many people in our lives as well, and we allow it to happen.

These events also had me thinking about how we all make so many excuses in our lives for our own and other people’s behavior toward us. We try to smooth things over instead of feeling the grainy, harsh truth.

Why are you settling for the partner you have to constantly make excuses for?

Why are you settling for the partner who makes you wonder how you fit in his/her life?

Why are you settling for a job you hate when you can at least try to make a move to do something which makes you happier?

Why are you settling for behavior from your partner that you, as a caring and loving person, would never inflict on them yourself?

Why are you allowing people in your life, be it colleagues, supervisors, friends, partner, to belittle you and just brush it off as they’ll never change anyway?

Why are you continually allowing someone to treat you as an option?

He promised to change. He said he missed me and loves me and will never leave again. I need the paycheck and there is nothing I can do. My supervisor doesn’t care about how I feel and what happens to me anyway. I’m just going to take the lead on the project and do what I have to even if she constantly undermines my every move, I’d rather not rock the boat. He said it will all be different this time, even though he hurt me in the past many times. Who else is better out there anyway, might as well stick with what I know. He didn’t mean it. I have no voice and what I say does not matter. I’d rather be with him than be alone. We’ve been together so long he deserves a chance. Oh that’s just the way he is, he doesn’t mean anything by it. He was (insert here – drunk, on drugs (I had an ex who I used to use this excuse for), depressed, angry, etc.) he didn’t mean what he said or did.

Why do we settle? Loneliness, fear of the unknown, habit? Why?

I have been guilty of rationalizing behavior too, whether my own, or someone in my life. But I have also learned I have a voice too and I matter.

I had to prove myself in my job. It was not handed to me. I could have easily just sat back and finished out my contract and looked for another position in the same field in which I was bored but was familiar. I am a single woman –  I do not have another income coming in, I don’t have someone else to rely on – but at that point I forced myself out of my comfort zone and ventured into the unknown, into a career that I love. Has there been push back from some people? Absolutely. It has not deterred me. Was I scared? Of course I was, but I stopped blaming the VP that let me go and started embracing the opportunity that was not a definite and fought for me, my happiness. Was it easy? No, and it still isn’t, I’m learning my way every single day.

I read and hear on a daily basis the excuses people have in relationships and settling. I have done it too, I am not exempt from this behavior. But you need to ask yourself why are you settling? Why are you allowing someone in your life to behave in a way that you would never allow? Why are you continually justifying your partner’s behavior? If you have to do that there is something very wrong – with what you are allowing but most of all why you are allowing it. Stop glossing over the temporary good to try to justify the bad. There is give and take in every relationship, but how much are you giving and how much are they taking?

Some of us love to be alone. Some of us, myself included, love to share our lives with someone. Neither one is a wrong outlook, but if you are settling for someone who has not always had your best interests at heart or protecting it when you gave him or her that gift than you are settling for all the wrong reasons.

Ask yourself the hard questions. I have and I realized that I have to stop making excuses and justifying behavior. It may lead to uncomfortable realizations and sometimes painful decisions, but one thing I promise, as someone who has been through quite a lot of painful and difficult situations, you are stronger than you think and you will be okay. You never know what happiness awaits you.

I am not here to judge you or your relationship, only you can look deep inside yourself and decide what you allow and why.  I don’t have an easy road ahead and I haven’t had an easy road to follow either, but I know how good I am and how much I deserve to be treated as the amazing, compassionate and loving person I am. No settling, no excuses, no justifying or rationalizing going forward. Make yourself that promise too, and live it.

#dailyprompt

 

 

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