Where’s the Effort?

via Daily Prompt: Casual

Today’s daily prompt made me think about a text I just got from someone who caused me much pain. It was innocent enough and did not reek of getting back together but I have chosen to not respond, not open the door and not devalue myself by allowing him to believe what he did was okay and that I was okay with it. It was not. If you wanted me from the beginning you would have made the effort to keep me relevant and not disappear, hide, breakup (more than once), etc.

One thing I have learned about dating nowadays is that there seems to be less and less effort put into an existing relationship or even starting one for that matter. Now there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out – I am totally on board with that – but there is the endless texting or intermittent texting that goes on for days, sometimes even months. I’ve been subject to that. Even worse is the guy who disappears on you but still sends intermittent texts – otherwise known as breadcrumbing. I’ve said it before, real relationships don’t stop and start. You don’t toss someone aside when things aren’t going so well. If you are in a relationship, act like it. Disappearing is unacceptable and cowardly and don’t let yourself settle for the partner who stops and starts with you. You are better than that, act like you are better and believe that you are too. I’ve been down that road and it is self-destructive to your psyche. It’s just a matter of time before they hurt you all over again and you waste tears and time when you could have been building something with someone who is worthy of you, all of you.

I do not want to be the only one putting an effort into a relationship. I made a vow to a friend that I will not longer accept the guy who has issues and who runs away and leaves. Either you are in or you are out. I have more self respect than to keep allowing guys who have let me go, sometimes more than once, and want to come back in when they finally “fix their shit.” They come back claiming that they miss you, they were wrong, etc. and when you are vulnerable or lonely you open the door a little and voila! They are back in and you are hooked on their empty words.

I don’t want to be someone’s occasional hookup or be with the guy who disappears out of my life to come back later on. Real partners don’t exclude you from their lives and make you cry and feel heartbroken. And I have done my share of crying. Your partner should choose to be with you, no matter what. Anyone you know with a successful marriage or partnership will tell you it hasn’t always been easy. Life gives you twists and turns, but what they will tell you is that their partner never left them, they may have fought and disagreed and maybe not talked for a few days, but in the end they never abandoned them, ghosted them, breadcrumbed them or anything to make them feel like they didn’t exist. And if they have or are doing that, then you need to reevaluate why you are still together.

I am not perfect and I make my share of mistakes but if you can’t stand by me, then walk away because I will be doing the same. Stop devaluing yourself, I vow that I will do the same. I was told by a very wise person – when you let someone who has broken your heart more than once back in – you are only prolonging the eventual heartbreak again. Don’t let the temporary good times and empty promises overshadow how they made you feel. I have to keep reminding myself of this too, it isn’t easy because we only want to remember the good. But never forget how they hurt you. Not everyone deserves a second chance, or third, or fourth.


Posted in bloggers, blogging, breakups, commitment, communication, dailyprompt, dating, forgiveness, ghosting, goals, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, love, relationship goals, relationships, sorry, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Another Day, Another Degree

One thing that I am looking forward to among all the negative in my life right now is going back to school. Actually, I am not looking forward to projects and papers, but I am always excited to increase my knowledge. One benefit of working in a University setting the past 19 years is I was able to obtain a graduate degree and a post-master’s certificate with little out-of-pocket cost. I have been accepted into another post-grad certificate program this Fall – just waiting for the tuition remission paperwork to be approved. It’s only two semesters – four classes total – so even though the work will be intense it will be over quickly unlike my Master’s Degree (I hope) and it is related to my job and the work I do already.

I try to take advantage of all that working at a large university has to offer. There are always lectures, seminars, presentations, training classes. I was recently trained to have my office serve as a “safe space” for LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer) students. Basically, when a student is in crisis they will be directed to my office in the library where they can stay with me until a counselor arrives to help or I walk them to a counselor. The training was an eye-opener. We all deal with struggles in our lives, but many of these students deal with so much more. The training at times was heartbreaking, just listening to the participant’s stories and it was so very educational too. I was in the throes of my heartbreak when I took it and it put everything into perspective for me. Persons in the LGBTQ community have more courage walking out the door every morning than we could ever imagine and understand. People don’t harass me or act repulsed or threaten me when I walk with a boyfriend. I don’t have to explain my choice of partner or why I choose to be heterosexual. It’s easy for me to blend into society, I can’t imagine how difficult it would be if I had to encounter such hate on a daily basis. Suicide rates are very high, particularly among transgender students. There is so much false information out there and sadly so much hate too.

My personal relationships, both with family and the men in my life, have been draining and challenging to say the least. And although my job kicks my ass many days, I am lucky that I love what I do and I work in a place that I can further my education and for a supervisor who encourages me and motivates me to branch out and learn and participate. She trusts me to represent her and the library on many campus committees. I’ve learned so much in my position. I am also lucky to have a circle of friends that support me and my choices in life as well.

Someday I hope my personal life will balance out as well and there will be some peace among the chaos. I still have hope with VG. He’s a good guy and we are talking more. I am getting close to ready to see him again and thinking about it makes me smile. And it is so nice to smile just a little more again. On a funny side note VG offered to take me school shopping along with his two young grandkids – he is a year younger than me and yes a VERY young grandpa lol. Let’s just say life got in the way at a very early age for him and for his son ūüôā It’s pretty cute actually and we joke around about it a lot.

And as someone who works in education my advice is to never stop learning. Take a class, seminar, listen to a lecture, see what your local university or community college has to offer. Take a cooking class, exercise class, etc., just whatever you can do to just expand your mind. Even if you think you do not have the time or the energy – you do! I encounter students of all ages, abilities, family responsibilities, financial backgrounds, you name it and I am in awe of how they manage to get it done. And I never hear them say it wasn’t worth it. It may not always be easy – but it will be worth it.


Posted in bloggers, blogging, blogosphere, breakups, commitment, communication, dating, family issues, forgiveness, friendship, goals, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, love, relationship goals, relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Sub-par Relationships

via Daily Prompt: Substandard

Why do so many of us accept substandard relationships in our lives? Is it because that is all we know or is it something else? Today’s daily prompt had me reflecting on my past relationships and some of my friend’s relationships as well.

As I look back on the past two years, I let men into my life that have not given their all when it comes to me. I feel like I have been doing all the work in many of my recent relationships.¬† This wasn’t always the case – it just seems more prevalent as I’ve gotten older. I have friends who have gone back to men that treat them like toss away garbage. My most recent relationship didn’t require much work on my part – we got along really well but when it came to breaking up with me – he took the cowardly road out. Wouldn’t face me to do it. A close friend’s guy basically cut off communication with her – she felt disposable and cried buckets over him. This has happened more than once. He eventually came back but why accept someone who clearly did not value you in the first place? She is a beautiful person inside and out and worth so much more – I wish she’d realize that. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that as well.

We all¬† have things we deal with in life but it is no excuse for bad behavior. And even though I miss new/old guy I have to keep reminding myself that he chose the easy way out and pretty much discarded me like I did not matter. I will not let myself ever give him the option of seeing me again. I can’t devalue myself like that anymore. It is a difficult choice but if I really mattered he would still be in my life and me in his.

A close friend did break it off with a guy who did not deserve her either. Even though she was and is still hurting she is so strong to keep him out of her life, no matter how much he tries to creep back in. She warned him repeatedly that he was losing her but he did not listen. In the end she had had enough and knew she needed to move on and deserved so much more. She knows her worth and has let him know it as well. I admire her for her strength.

The past few weeks have been hard but I am starting to get a little stronger. I know going forward I will not be the only one making an effort or allowing someone to walk in and out of my life when things get messy or life is too much to handle. Real relationships don’t continually start and stop. Don’t let the good memories overshadow the pain that someone puts you through. If he or she lets you go or disappears from your life and then tries to reclaim a spot in it tell them it has been taken by something much more important – your self worth. If they valued you and your relationship they would not have left – they would¬† have been grateful that they had you by their side in the first place.

I will still mourn my loss but I know that I cannot go back to someone who did not care about hurting me or the pain he has put me through. Don’t let yourself do it either. Stay strong and know that you are worth so much more.


Posted in bloggers, blogging, breakups, commitment, communication, dailyprompt, dating, goals, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, love, relationship goals, relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Still hanging in there…

The past two weeks have been pretty difficult but there have been some bright spots too. I’m still worried about my Dad. My Dad, Mom and I spent time together yesterday – it wasn’t easy but I wanted to keep the peace especially because of what she has just been through and because she and my Dad are very worried about his next step fighting the cancer. I don’t think my Mom and I will ever be close but at least we can try to tolerate each other.

I’ve spent a lot of time at the beach, both with friends and alone and there is nothing like friends and sunshine to make you feel better. I have said this before – I¬† have the greatest group of friends anyone could ask for and for that I am always grateful.

Nothing new with VG and I yet. I hope to finally see him next weekend. After a little bit of a sputtering (re) start, we talked more today. I think I am finally ready to see him and he to see me. I’m not going to push anything and just see what happens organically. I needed time to do some healing and I think I am finally ready. I’ll see how the week goes.

In the meantime I had a date with a guy I’ll call Mr. Polish. He is really good looking and has a very outgoing personality which I like. The conversation flowed and we have been talking every day. Another date will be happening this week. He has about a thousand different interests which is quite funny too. I need lighthearted and fun right now and he is satisfying that. Tomorrow night I have a date with the really hot Trader Joe’s guy. I am looking forward to that as well.

I still miss new/old guy. I am angry at myself for missing him after what he did but I can’t just erase memories so easily. I am a deep feeler and if I care about you I will let you know. I don’t hide feelings and I don’t play games, I am a straight shooter. I know in time the feelings will fade and the memories and plans that we made will sting less. I never wish bad upon anyone in my life but I hope that one day, when his current relationship ends for the third time, he will wonder what he could have had with me. Maybe feel an ounce of the pain I do right now. And regret – I truly hope he feels regret for letting the woman go that was standing right in front of him but also standing by his side.

I’ve had people say this is all God’s plan. He only gives you what you can handle. As much as I love the people in my life that say that – I don’t subscribe to it. I’ve had enough challenges – and I am tired of being hurt and struggling. I rather listen to my friend Erica who says to me “trust the process” – not always easy but good advice. I have no choice but to just trust that everything will be okay, in time. I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so much in the meantime.

Have a great week everyone.

Posted in bloggers, blogging, breakups, commitment, communication, dating, family, family issues, friendship, goals, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, love, relationship goals, relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

What is Traditional?

via daily prompt Traditional

After seeing today’s daily prompt I felt the need to write about traditional relationships – you know the ones where you get married, have kids, get through rough times and live happily ever after.¬† I have to admit I had those dreams long ago too. Stable relationships have eluded me in my lifetime so far. It has made me think a lot about my own life.

My parents have that traditional marriage – they have been married for over sixty years. I have cousins who have been in their marriages twenty plus years, friends too. It amazes me and also makes me a little envious that they have found the person who stands by them through thick and thin. And I have friends that have gone through what I have as well, and they have the biggest hearts and so much love to give. Why aren’t they able to find the person who cherishes them either? It pains me to see a friend settle for someone who is not right for them or go back to a shitty partner. Are they saying that about me too? I keep wondering why new/old guy went back to someone who he couldn’t work it out with 2 times already – why wasn’t I the one he wanted? Why go back to someone that didn’t work? I am still baffled by it all.

I often wonder why traditional relationships are so hard for someone like me. I am loyal, loving and willing to go the distance. Unfortunately the men in my life are not. Is it me or is it them? Are we all just so broken as we get older? I know my faults but I know how good I am too. I try not to define my life by my relationships, I have had some great loves in my life, but also so many heartbreaking losses, but after a while I start to feel like a failure at love. I wish I had answers as to why I am but I don’t. Maybe it is because I see the good when I should also be seeing the bad. I’m not sure that is easily changed behavior. I am who I am.¬† I don’t expect to change the guy I am with but I do expect love and respect. And just once I wish I was the one someone fought to keep.




Posted in bloggers, blogging, breakups, commitment, communication, dailyprompt, dating, goals, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, love, relationship goals, relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Lost my sparkle

It’s official. I have lost my sparkle. I kind of feel as if right now I am just existing. The queen of heartbreak. That is me. Between cancer ravaging my family and heartbreak I have lost my usual zest. I am doing the bare minimum to just get through the day.

Work is kicking my ass. I have so much to do but cannot even concentrate clearly. Trying to keep my Dad’s doctor appointments and tests straight and my Sister’s ongoing ailments and tests too have taken a toll. I’m not even sure anymore who is getting what done.

I actually have a date this Thursday with someone who seems very interesting. I need to get myself psyched up for it and I am sure by Thursday I will. I am optimistic for at least some good conversation and he’s pretty cute too. He wants to take me surfing one day in the future as he has boards and likes to surf. I told him I haven’t surfed in literally 30 yrs but he said we’ll have fun anyway. I could use some fun again. Surfing will happen of course if we hit it off and there is a second date. He said he hasn’t found a connection with anyone but actually has enjoyed talking with me and is looking forward to meeting me. I also have a potential date with someone for the end of the weekend – he works in retail so his hours are erratic but oh boy is he hot! He will definitely keep my mind and eyes occupied. We’ve been chatting every day and have a few common interests. The date will eventually happen just have to get our schedules straight first. Nothing helps cure a broken heart like some new eye candy, even if just temporary. Both guys are into taking things slow which for me is what I need to do right now. I am not ready for a relationship again with anyone. These guys know that as well.

Nothing new with VG yet. We are still talking but I feel as if I need to keep my distance. I’m torn between really wanting to see him and holding off for a while. He says he wants me in his life but I’m just not so sure he will make the effort this time. And I am no longer going to be the only one making an effort. I know he had a lot going on personally and his job hours are erratic too, but if he really wants to make it work he will find a way. It’s all so disheartening.

One thing I am sure of is that I need to purge new/old guy from my heart and my brain and not do the relationship comparison game. Anyone right now will probably lose. There is no comparison. I miss our connection and seeing him and talking to him every day. There are so many signs and reminders of him. I just miss him so very much. I doubt he even thinks about me at this point which makes me sad and feel disposable. I’d like to think that he is reminded of me now and then and maybe he realizes what he had and threw away but if that were true he’d be here wouldn’t he? Hopefully karma will serve him soon.

I guess the one good thing about my two upcoming dates is that I don’t really know them yet so it will keep things lively and interesting. No history, no relationship issues, just fun. I am an extrovert so meeting new people does not frighten me.Who knows, I may even make a new friend (or surfing buddy) if things don’t work out.

I need to know what it is like to feel some joy and happiness again. And peace, most of all I need peace to shut off the thoughts in my head that keep replaying scenarios and memories. I’d give anything to erase the pain and memories.

Posted in bloggers, blogging, blogosphere, breakups, communication, dating, family issues, goals, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, love, relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

And so it goes…

I guess the old saying when it rains it pours. My Dad’s cancer has returned and my sister is not doing so well anymore either. My Mom fought with me again on Friday – I held my ground but it is all so draining. Couple all of that with my painful breakup and yeah, another summer of shit happening.

I’m not trying to gain sympathy or feel sorry for myself, but life the past two weeks has been really hard. Sometimes I feel as if I can’t catch a break or even get an ounce of happiness thrown my way for too long.

I am tired and feeling broken, perhaps lost. I just don’t know.

I spent Saturday and Sunday with an amazing group of female friends. I was able to escape reality for a while and it felt good. It was a really fun time, but reality has set in for me again and I feel like crap. Not going to sugarcoat anything here. Life changes from high to low in an instant and I wish, just once, the target on my back would come off and life just cut me a break.


Posted in bloggers, blogging, blogosphere, breakups, communication, family, family issues, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Keep on Keepin’ on

I have a little story to tell about the last few months. I welcome everyone’s comments but I ask again that you not be too harsh as I am dealing with a lot right now. Writing is therapeutic and brings me clarity. And I’ve always been honest with my writing.

As you know new/old guy and I are finished. We did talk again and he sounds conflicted but ultimately he made his choice and I have to accept it. I think there are very few people that you connect on every level and we did. The last person that I felt I had this much in common with was my ex-husband. New/old guy had even more in common with me, our connection was real and intense but obviously his heart was somewhere else. Most people believe it is not going to work out for him and eventually he will be back (guy friends insist this too) but since he and I had a history going into our relationship I cannot allow him into my life again – no matter how hard it will be to say no. Remember it is easy to advise me to “forget him” when you are not the one in the relationship and experiencing it first hand so I ask that you try to understand why that decision would even be hard for me. I miss talking with him, sleeping with him, laughing with him and spending time with him. It is brutally painful, please understand.

There is also a backstory to all of this. I was seeing someone when new/old guy and I reconnected. I met VG last September. We became phone and texting “pals” before we met for the first time in December. Why so long? His Mom was dying of cancer and he was the primary caretaker and his Dad had passed away three months prior, so much personal loss. To say he had a lot on his plate is an understatement. He has grown kids and they were very close to their grandmother. I was one of the first people he called after his immediate family when his Mom died. We bonded. Her loss was extremely painful for him and his daughters and son. It was too hard for us to meet while she was trying to battle her cancer and I let him know I was there and would be waiting when he was ready.¬† We talked every single day, every day, sometimes for hours, multiple times per day. I told him I was there for him, and I was.

After we met in December we got to see each other more, he lives over an hour away so it had to be planned. It was hard to be spontaneous because he works as a technician for a major company and his hours are not 9-5. Weekend call-ins happen a lot. Long distance relationships are hard. I missed being able to see him during the week, but it was nearly impossible. We started drifting apart in early to mid February. We never ended it but I decided I needed to back off a bit, he was going through a lot of grieving and it was obvious he wasn’t completely ready for me, yet, even though he wanted just me. I told him I’d back off. It was getting hard to deal with cancelled plans. I tried to be understanding but we started snapping at each other more. He agreed that we wouldn’t end but appreciated that I would give him time. I fooled myself into thinking that was what I wanted but I knew it would be good for him.

As VG and I physically drifted apart, I started thinking more about new/old guy, a lot. I always felt we had unfinished business when we ended. We never ended with a big fight but he did ghost me after our 3 week courtship last August ( he wasn’t ready and I wrote about it). I was angry and hurt then but time had passed and I was pretty much over it. I know, that should have been a big red flag, but I honestly was curious and yes, hesitant, and reached out by email because I had deleted all other contact info. He responded immediately. This was late February. He was relentless in trying to see me and I was feeling conflicted about VG and didn’t immediately see new/old guy.¬† Until the first week of March.

One weekend when VG couldn’t see me again I agreed to meet new/old guy at his shore house. The whole way driving there I was a nervous wreck – what was I doing? how would we both react? I literally was both excited to see¬† him and sick to my stomach with guilt. It is not like me to do this but something told me to just go. We reconnected that weekend like no time had ever passed. And yes, we did talk about what had happened. I forgave him but was cautious about pursuing anything further, except maybe a fling.

New/old guy was relentless to say the least. I finally gave in and opened the door. He pushed through and took the lead. VG and I never officially broke up – I couldn’t say goodbye to him because he was part of my life for many months. We were sort of on a hiatus. I still cared for him and although many people told me I should let him go, that it wasn’t fair to him, I just couldn’t do it. We also had a strong connection, it had just wavered, not because of me or us, but because he needed to heal his wounds from all the loss in his life. And he got the help he needed and is still healing, but is better than he was.

I was conflicted for months. I felt so much guilt about VG and I missed him too. But I was falling hard for new/old guy – he made it too easy and I thought our connection was impenetrable, I truly believed it. It was getting stronger and stronger. I have never been in a situation where I had two great guys in my life. But I just couldn’t tell VG goodbye.

I know this may sound horrible and I understand why, but VG still wants me in his life and I want to give it a try again too. I don’t think I am ready to see him yet but we are still talking – we never lost that. He has never left my side. I can never tell him what happened all these months while we were physically apart. Is he the backup prize? I can honestly say no. I would never diminish what we had to that level. However I will be brutally honest here too. I know that if new/old guy had ended up truly committing to me then I would have to say goodbye to VG. And that would have been painful no matter what. I deeply cared for VG and I still do. I know it sounds as if I am choosing him because he is still there. You may be right, but I could have let him go long ago and I didn’t. I am honest when I say I couldn’t do it. Something always stopped me. I would hear his voice and miss him all over again. It was hard on me too as horrible as I may seem admitting all this. But outsiders looking in don’t feel what I felt.

I am not even sure how we will be when we see each other again. I know that as much as I want to see him, right now, I think it is better if we take some time before we do. I don’t want my relationship with new/old guy to stain any chance with VG. I don’t want to compare them either because they are two different men of which I have had two different experiences. And I am afraid that I am too vulnerable right now to not compare them and that is not fair to VG. I don’t think I will ever have a connection with anyone like I had with new/old guy. But I do have a guy who I have bonded with who has stood by me and is real and genuine with his intentions and I truly still care for, a lot. I was not in love with either of them, yet, but my emotions were strong for both.

In time clarity will set in and I will know which path to take. Please don’t think of me as some horrible user of men. I have honestly never, ever, been in this type of situation. I don’t serial date. I am going to trust the process and be open to VG. I am not sure what will happen but maybe this is how it was supposed to work out – I don’t know. Only time will heal and time will tell what will happen. Right now I need to heal me and try to accept what has happened and be open to what may be. I was not able to close the door on VG and maybe there was a reason. Or maybe I was always afraid new/old guy would leave. Or maybe it took all this to appreciate what was always right in front of me. I was literally torn between two men. One was gaining advantage because he was making the effort and present, physically. But if the other had kept the momentum going I would have never wavered. It sounds confusing and believe me I understand why.¬† And I never saw them both in the same weekend or during the same time. VG was a text/phone connection only when new/old guy and I started up again physically.

I used to joke how could it be that I have two great guys in my life – what luck! But looking back it was not a good thing and not something I would ever want to experience again. And maybe, just maybe, it was really only one great guy all along. I don’t know what the future will hold. I may in the end lose both of them for good. And maybe I deserve to. But I do know that I have been through a lot of pain and heartbreak in my past and I want to believe that maybe my happy ending is still there – within reach. I am a good person with a loving heart. And no matter what has happened I have to believe that it will end happily for me as hard as that my seem right at the moment.

Peace and love everyone. xo

Posted in bloggers, blogging, blogosphere, breakups, commitment, communication, dating, forgiveness, ghosting, goals, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, love, relationship goals, relationships, sorry, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments

Immense Pain

I’ve had a few days to think about what has happened to me and although I am not strong to write about it I will. My blog has always been raw and real and I will not sugarcoat my feelings. All I ask is that you refrain from judging me – right now I just need to heal and be supported. And I want to thank my friends who listen, dry my tears and hold me up when I can barely stand. And thank you to two of my exes who have also reached out (my ex husband, a great guy and The Complicated One who has become a great friend to me).

New/old guy called it quits with me last week. We had come back from our 7 days together. The first six days were wonderful. On the morning of day 7 he was quiet – not his normal self – I instinctively knew something was wrong – he assured me to stop overthinking, that everything was okay with us. I wanted to believe him but in my heart I knew better.

He received a text from someone he had a relationship with in the past on the day before we left. They had broken up 2x before and he felt that he needed to give it a third try (big mistake) so he could live without regrets. He wasn’t even sure if it could ever work with her. Needless to say I was shocked. I’ve never had anyone break up with me because things were great. And they were great – this was not in my mind.

For the past few months we spent multiple days together at each other places. We had many deep long conversations, and so much laughter and physical intimacy. Things were said by him, many promises and plans made – by him. I was not imagining his words – they were being said.

“Don’t date me unless you want to live with me”

“I never thought I would meet someone as compatible as you”

“you make me laugh and feel so good, like no one else ever has”

“I’m happy we got a second chance”

“my bed is not the same without you in it, I miss you, I wish you were here” (texted at 3am one night when we weren’t together)

“we are going to have a great summer together, and fall, and winter”

“you and I are going to be married one day – you know that right?”

Among so many other words said. We met friends of each other,¬† neighbors, acquaintances, he talked about me meeting his son soon. We made plans, so many plans.¬† Cooking together, entertaining together, listening to music – we both have such a love of music, sharing work stories and life stories. It was cerebral and passionate. Laughter was always present – we both laughed all the time with each other. He emailed me 21 inside jokes that we shared between us because he couldn’t stop laughing about it. He told me it was so easy being with me, he loved our dynamic. If we disagreed we resolved it, but that was rare. I respected his time constraints with work and his son. I was never needy and demanding. I let things happen organically between us. Unfortunately I let my heart believe him and my head. And I got burned, badly.

He broke up with me over the phone during work which is a dick move. He also mailed my stuff back UPS, also a dick move. To say I am stunned and am heartbroken would be an understatement. He and I did agree on one thing – this had absolutely nothing to do with me. He knows it all is on him. Unfortunately I am the one paying the price. I feel like I am in a nightmare and I am never going to wake up. It hurts, brutally and painfully. It felt so right, so very right. I know one day the tears will stop flowing and I’ll be okay. I have to believe that I will be okay – just don’t feel like that now.

I’ve lost my verve and I have lost my faith in love. Maybe it is only temporary, I don’t know. I don’t let any man devalue me but I feel disposable. He said it took a lot of thinking to come to his decision. I don’t like to wish bad on anyone but I hope this relationship of his implodes. Third try? good luck with that! He walked away from the best person possible and I hope one day he will realize his mistake. And it was a huge mistake.

Love and peace to everyone.




Posted in bloggers, blogging, blogosphere, breakups, commitment, communication, dating, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, love, relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 26 Comments

My Blog 

I need to temporarily step away from my blog. I have to deal with a situation that is challenging my heart and every part of me. I am strong and will not be broken. But right now I need time to focus on healing and am not ready to write about it yet.


Posted in bloggers, blogging, breakups, communication, dating, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, relationships, Uncategorized | 36 Comments