Some days 

Some days I feel like I have no fight left in me. 

Some days I feel like it’s getting harder and harder to get back up.

Most days I just want to feel appreciated.

Is that too much to ask of love?

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Is it December already?

What happened to October and November? The past few weeks have been a blur for me. Work, school, work, school and a little bit of a social life thrown in. I officially end semester on December 13th and I CAN’T WAIT!

The semester flew for me. I had a ton of work to do and still have quite a lot to finish but the finish line is in sight. Next semester is going to be rough – I have four classes. But I know me, I am driven and will get it done. And I may be entering a doctoral program next fall. I’m still not sure if it is a good fit for me but I am talking to the program advisor on Monday and see what he says. One of my professors encouraged me to go for it and someone else close to me, who has always been my biggest supporter when it comes to furthering my education.

Sometimes it seems like I am taking on too much. But I know my limits and I also know where I want to be career-wise in the next few years. I may just go on and get my 2nd graduate degree instead but the lure of the PhD has been tugging at me for quite awhile.

And my personal life has taken quite the turn. Not ready to write about it but I may, if and when I am ready. But right now it’s all good, really, really good….and unexpected. I’m just enjoying what little free time I have and taking everything day by day. I am truly at peace.

I guess the lesson here is you are never too old to follow your dreams or pursue new ones. We all have plans and goals and sometimes they change and we have to adapt, change our direction and move on. And it’s how you move on that makes all the difference.

Have a great weekend everyone xo

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The underdog gets the girl

via Daily Prompt: Underdog

He wasn’t supposed to be hers. He was loyal to someone else, at least at first he was. Then she began to take care of him, show him how much she loved him. He began to trust her and he only wanted her. He cried when she left for too long. He had a hard time living without her when she wasn’t around.

He had a tough beginning. His family discarded him when he became ill. Some didn’t think he’d make it. Luckily he was taken in by a wonderful foster family. They took care of him medically and they taught him to love and trust.

Then one day she locked eyes with him. It was love at first sight. She knew he belonged with her and in a way she knew he thought the same. Their time together lasted ten years, more than anyone had thought. It was brutal when they parted, but the journey together was worth every moment.

She still misses him. She wishes she could just reach out and touch him, give him a kiss and tell him he is such a good boy.

They rescued each other and in this case the underdog won.


This post is dedicated to my rescue beagle Larry who passed away on 6/21/14. Sometimes it feels like yesterday he left, but then again he is always with me. And please adopt don’t shop. Sometimes the greatest love is waiting for you to save him or her and in return you will receive a gift you never expected.


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Giving Thanks

Today in the United States we are celebrating Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for in my life.

  1. My family’s health. Cancer is cruel, it is heartless, it doesn’t discriminate. Having three family members battle cancer at once drains the life out of you. But I’m thankful that we got good news on my Mom and Dad. My sister struggles but she is still alive and that is what matters most.
  2. My friends. I write often about my circle of friends. I couldn’t survive this world without them. I am blessed and I am loved.
  3. My job. It drains me, exhausts me, and challenges me. But I love what I do, who I do it for and am proud of all I have accomplished and yet to accomplish.
  4. My education. I am thankful that I am afforded the opportunity to work at at place where I can further my education. I am a perpetual student and life-long learner and I love it.
  5. My health. I am lucky to be alive and healthy. I may have slacked off a bit on working out due to school but overall I feel good (and look pretty damn good too:) )
  6. Experiencing love. I’ve been through a lot this year but I do not regret nor hate anyone who has been in my life romantically. I live, learn and move on. I can guarantee that any ex of mine may say I am little crazy at times, perhaps persistent, but I have a good heart, soul and intentions. Most times they realize that and we can remain civil, if not friends.

And I am thankful to all of you who read, like and comment on my blog. You are part of my world too. I enjoy reading your blogs and connecting with you as well. It takes a brave person to write about his or her life and sometimes share things so personal and soul crushing. But in the game of life we are all warriors, fighting to survive and continuing to love, not matter what is thrown our way.

And lastly I am thankful my Professor gave me an extra week to finish my survey analysis project 🙂 Because I suck at stats and math, but I will not fail – I will make mistakes but not give up. The same with my life too.

Happy Thanksgiving whether you celebrate or not, and thank you for always supporting me.



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I’m particular about free tuition

via Daily Prompt: Particular

My blog entry today has nothing to do about dating, relationships or my love life. It has to do with something I am staunchly an advocate of – the availability of education for all.

Semester is starting to wind down. Final projects, exams and papers are looming on the horizon. The life of a student – a very old student 🙂 is not easy, but I have eased into a groove that is making it manageable. I am grateful for the opportunity to study.

I am proud of who I am and what I am accomplishing. I am doing this for me and for my future. I am lucky that I work at an institution, and even luckier that I work for someone who supports furthering my education. But that may change, very soon.

I had a conversation with one of my closest friends last night about graduate school and doctorates. Events this week have both saddened me and angered me.

The bill that just passed the House of Representatives will place more financial burdens on those pursuing graduate degrees with a measure that could raise their tax liability by 300 percent or more. These changes could be crippling for research in the US.

Under the bill tuition waivers would be taxed as income. In essence:

“A provision tucked away in the House’s bill would count the tuition discounts given to many grad students as income, meaning that students would pay taxes on tens of thousands of dollars that they never see. The bill would double or even triple many students’ taxes.”

Many graduate or PhD students receive tuition waivers to earn their degrees. I am one of those students. In other words –

A teaching assistant at Berkeley who earns about $24,000 in 2017 would see his or her tax bill jump from $2,229 under current law to $3,641 under the House plan — a 63 percent spike, according to that analysis.

The hit would be much greater at private schools, like MIT, where a research assistant making about $37,000 would see his or her tax bill jump from $3,993 to $13,577 under the House plan. That’s a 240 percent increase that would make that student’s tax burden about 37 percent of his or her salary.

And the argument from some people is  – isn’t a graduate school education a luxury? If I work for a company and they give me a car as a bonus I have to pay taxes on that gift so what’s your point?

Someone receiving a car as a bonus directly affects the person receiving it. The company received a benefit by having that particular employee work hard to earn that car. So for those two its a win-win, right? How does that affect you or me? Well, maybe the company produces more of an item that we will buy since it has more to spend on manufacturing – so we get availability for a product we like –  maybe at a reduced rate and the company adds to the economy and its own bottom line too.

But say we have a graduate student or Phd student receiving a tuition waiver and is actively doing research on a cure for a particular disease. How does that benefit me? That student wants to better his or her self but also by performing research is hoping to benefit society as well.

We want a society that is educated and can compete in the sciences, mathematics, technology with the rest of the world. But we are lagging horribly. We want scientific discoveries, cures for diseases, technology to improve our lives but we don’t realize that we need to have an educated workforce to do these things. And if anyone thinks getting a PhD or graduate degree can be done working full time remember this – many programs don’t allow that –  especially the sciences.

This doesn’t affect the wealthy. Their children will be able to attend school and not have to worry about how they will pay for utilities or groceries. But for most of us the reality is much more dire. I earn a great salary but I have no husband to help with my income. I have the opportunity to pursue higher education because it is available to me to do so with help. I could not afford to pay for a master’s degree without assistance. My family is not wealthy and I had to pay my way through undergraduate education. I chose to go to a school that I could afford.  At present, the value of my current tuition waiver would add to my income and skyrocket my tax bill cost. I could not afford to continue. Poor me right? But ask yourself this – if you had the same opportunity wouldn’t you do it too? Shouldn’t that be a good thing?

Why should anyone who chooses to pursue higher education be vilified? It baffles me that Republicans would burden students and not embrace anyone who wants to better not only themselves but society as a whole.

The only hope is that the Senate bill which excludes this provision stays  that way when it is passed. And I am sorry if you are angry and say well why should I pay for someone else to go to school – remember this too – the more we take away opportunities from others the harder it will be to fight for opportunities for you too.

I wish our government would embrace education and make it affordable to everyone. In the end we all benefit because choice is a powerful thing and pushing the ideal of limitations is destructive. You should be able to choose to pursue higher education based on personal choice not financial.



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Surviving the storms of life

via Daily Prompt: Atmospheric

I cannot believe that 2017 is coming to a close in less than two months. Has it been better than 2016? I think so, even though there have been so many challenges this year too. But there have been positive happenings as well.

Think about how much you have survived in your life. But most of all remember that you have survived. Life isn’t always easy. Some days the rain is just a drizzle and other days it is a deluge where you feel trapped, afraid to even go out into the storm. But you do. The storms sometimes last for days and other times they pass quickly. And you keep going. Sometimes facing them head on, and other days you need to find shelter to protect you until it passes.

I still have days that I struggle. I open my umbrella and I smile even as the water pours down around me. Because I believe that sunshine will replace the rain and break through the clouds, eventually. And I don’t want to miss the warmth and light that follows.

Happy Saturday everyone. Wishing you a wonderful weekend. Hang in there, stay hopeful, wait for the sun to shine through again. It will, I promise.



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Shades of Grey

via Daily Prompt: Black

No, this isn’t a post about those books or movie. Never seen or read any of them and have no desire to either.

I reached out to an ex recently to wish him a Happy Birthday. It was a milestone one for him and if you follow me you know I have no hate for anyone I have been with in my life. So this is not out of the ordinary behavior. It may not always work out with an ex how I had wished, but they all hold a special place in my life, in some way, shape or form. It is not black or white with me – it’s never you did me wrong and I’ll never speak with you again. It’s more of a grey area. And I am never afraid to reach out and send a good thought or wish. And he is a good guy. I’m past whatever hurt may have existed. Time brings clarity and clarity brings peace.

He also told me about something that happened to him that shocked me. And it made this over-thinker, think, a lot. On top of that my sister admitted herself to the hospital on Friday evening. She has been suffering from horrible dizzy spells and vertigo. The doctors do not believe it is cancer-related but may have been a mini-stroke. She just cannot catch a break health-wise. Friday morning my Dad called me to tell me that he is officially cancer-free. He will still have checkups the rest of his life for it, but this news made me breathe a huge sigh of relief. It has been another tough year health-wise for my family.

Back to the over-thinking. Life is so fleeting, even though when you are struggling it almost feels as if time has stood still. And for months I was feeling so down, so emotionally broken. But the past few weeks I’ve been feeling really good. Happier, exhausted, but happier. You just never know what can happen to you health-wise and even though life at times is hard – you have to do your best to just keep going on and doing the absolute best that you can. If you have your health or a second chance to get healthier then consider yourself lucky.

As for relationships – new/old guy and I have been talking – he has been helping me with my school assignments, we’ve had two hour plus phone calls, but as far as a relationship goes I cannot go there again. It isn’t easy to not run back, but I know I need to do what is best for me – protect my heart. And that is what I am doing. We were great in so many ways but trust is a tough nut to crack and I need to trust that he wouldn’t hurt me again and unfortunately I just cannot trust him.

So for the first time in a long time I am actually – single. I have prospects but I am not acting on anything at the moment. I honestly don’t have time right now. Now if the right guy did come along I would make time but he has to realize how special I am. And I am pretty special if I let you in. I have a low capacity for hate. I am very understanding and forgiving but I’ve also developed a bit more toughness in my heart. It’s taken me a while but it was necessary.

I have friends in shitty relationships and marriages who put up with so much that I had to step back and take a look at myself too. I was one of those women as well. Making excuses, taking them back, giving second and third chances. No more. It is quite freeing actually. And in the end it will make me a better partner. My ex once told me that I need to fight back once in a while, not make it so easy to forgive and he is right. I don’t like to fight but I need to make sure I have a voice in the relationship too – and not one that is always trying to smooth things over and apologize.

I know what I want but most of all I know what I expect too. And I am great at compromising, as long as I don’t have to compromise being myself.

Have a great week everyone.



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What’s old is new again

via Daily Prompt: Neophyte

I know I’ve been whining to many people in my life about all the work I’ve been getting in my classes. I should be used to this stuff right? I am going for my 2nd master’s degree, 2nd post grad certificate and I work at a University where all we do is learn and research 🙂 I know the drill, how this all works, but yet I am so…..utterly exhausted!


I am a neophyte every time I begin a new degree. There is always something new to learn even if you know the subject and especially if you don’t know it! I am combining my studies right now – I should finish my master’s degree spring 2019 (thanks to credit swaps from my other classes) and my post grad certificate fall 2018. But yet it is a struggle to get the work done at times. I’m not sure if it is because I am a perfectionist when it comes to completing projects (unlike my life) or I have so many responsibilities in my job (which I still love) that exhausts me.

I know I sound like an overachiever, type A person but if you know me I am definitely not. Not that there is anything wrong with that of course. I am pretty laid back and fairly easy.

Five and a half weeks til semester is over and I get some semblance of a life back. Did I mention I have three classes next semester? Yeah, maybe I am an overachiever or just plain crazy, or perhaps a little of both.

Oh well, back to figuring out my data analysis assignment. I hate math, and data, and logic. I’m all about the feels, qualitative over quantitative any day 🙂

Have a great weekend everyone.


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Strange things a happenin’

I am taking a break from trying to complete an assignment so I can catch up on my blogging a little. Luckily I  have until mid-November to complete this one assignment – the last one took up all of my free time.

The past two weeks have been quite, um, interesting. I heard from new/old guy. As expected his relationship didn’t work out but that doesn’t mean I am available again. He has been helping me with my assignments, what I am learning is his specialty, but I am doing my best to keep it “professional,” or maybe in the “friend zone.” It is so hard, but I am not going to be a woman who runs back as soon as he decides he is ready again. I used to be that girl too, who gave out a zillion chances, but not this time. It is so very hard, there is an ease about us when we talk, but I am resisting. I am not ready and not sure I ever will be able to trust him again. I don’t think so. Real relationships shouldn’t involve breakups and such deep hurt.

Lately, I feel abandoned by some friends too. When I was younger I used to do that when a guy was in the picture, but as I’ve gotten older I value my friendships more.  It’s all part of life though isn’t it? People come in and out of your life for a reason. They need you and you are there. No matter what I will always be there, even if they are happy again and don’t need me as much. Because one day they will need me again, and I would never turn my back on a friend, even if right now I feel a little hurt. I’ve said it a million times – I am so very blessed in the friend department and take no one for granted.

I have three prospects (not including new/old guy) in my love life. I just don’t have time to pursue them completely – except for two. One is a friend fix-up – great guy, but he is sooooo busy with work and school too that we had to make a date for mid-November. Another is a guy from work who is A LOT younger than me. I’m treading there with caution as I am not the type to date guys who are that much younger than me so he is not really a prospect. But it could just be fun and a fling.

And there is one more – not writing about him yet. We’ll just wait and see.

School has completely taken over my life and work was beyond crazy busy this past week and there is no letting up on both any time soon. But I am thriving, career-wise, and I need to push myself to be the best I can be professionally and personally.  I miss being in a relationship but I will not settle. Pushing my energy into furthering my education (again, lol) is never a bad thing. Always be prepared, even if you are in a relationship, because life can change in an instant and you have to be ready. I learned that the hard way.

All this hard work will eventually pay off. I am one of the strongest women I know. I’ve been through some of the worst shit possible, things I have never written about, but I have survived. And some days I may feel weak or sad, but I know that I am stronger than those days. And as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to take more chances, and sometimes they don’t pay off, but most times the payback is something I never dreamed of.

Have a great week everyone.



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Friends and Neighbors

via Daily Prompt: Neighbors

We have colleagues that become friends, classmates that become friends, gym acquaintances that become friends, childhood friends, the list goes on. I have a wide circle of friends and a closer circle of confidants. Every single person in my life is precious to me.

In the past few years some of my closest friends started out as neighbors. In the beginning it may just have been a small smile, then a wave, then a “hi, how are you?” question. Small steps in getting to know each other. We started to bond over dogs, meet kids, talk a little more.

I have moved quite a lot the past twenty years – out of state, back into my home state. Different towns in my home state but for the past ten years I’ve remained in the same town and have moved twice within the town borders.

Ten years after my divorce I moved into an apartment complex in the town I live, and met two friends who have become like sisters to me. We met in the same apartment complex and our friendships grew. They weren’t just neighbors to me anymore, they were pieces of my life and my world. And in those then years there has been heartbreak, grief from losses so painful that it is impossible to describe, job loss, new jobs, relationships, tears, laughter, and lots of love. And the special thing is we are all close to each other. It’s our little circle of love.

Five years ago I moved to the other side of town into a place that is now my home. I became friends with my neighbor here too and her family. They are like family to me. We look out for each other, listen to each other and I know wherever life may lead me, they will also be a special part of my life.


Sometimes it’s amazing where you develop friendships, no matter how old or young, where you live, relocate, new jobs, old jobs, new relationships, old relationships all play a part.

Cherish those friends who never leave, to whom distance and time is not an issue. Tell them you love them and appreciate them. Always let them know how much they mean to you, but most of all make time, even if it is a short while, don’t take your friendship for granted, because one day you may wish you had more time and that friend by your side.



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