No, this isn’t a post about those books or movie. Never seen or read any of them and have no desire to either.
I reached out to an ex recently to wish him a Happy Birthday. It was a milestone one for him and if you follow me you know I have no hate for anyone I have been with in my life. So this is not out of the ordinary behavior. It may not always work out with an ex how I had wished, but they all hold a special place in my life, in some way, shape or form. It is not black or white with me – it’s never you did me wrong and I’ll never speak with you again. It’s more of a grey area. And I am never afraid to reach out and send a good thought or wish. And he is a good guy. I’m past whatever hurt may have existed. Time brings clarity and clarity brings peace.
He also told me about something that happened to him that shocked me. And it made this over-thinker, think, a lot. On top of that my sister admitted herself to the hospital on Friday evening. She has been suffering from horrible dizzy spells and vertigo. The doctors do not believe it is cancer-related but may have been a mini-stroke. She just cannot catch a break health-wise. Friday morning my Dad called me to tell me that he is officially cancer-free. He will still have checkups the rest of his life for it, but this news made me breathe a huge sigh of relief. It has been another tough year health-wise for my family.
Back to the over-thinking. Life is so fleeting, even though when you are struggling it almost feels as if time has stood still. And for months I was feeling so down, so emotionally broken. But the past few weeks I’ve been feeling really good. Happier, exhausted, but happier. You just never know what can happen to you health-wise and even though life at times is hard – you have to do your best to just keep going on and doing the absolute best that you can. If you have your health or a second chance to get healthier then consider yourself lucky.
As for relationships – new/old guy and I have been talking – he has been helping me with my school assignments, we’ve had two hour plus phone calls, but as far as a relationship goes I cannot go there again. It isn’t easy to not run back, but I know I need to do what is best for me – protect my heart. And that is what I am doing. We were great in so many ways but trust is a tough nut to crack and I need to trust that he wouldn’t hurt me again and unfortunately I just cannot trust him.
So for the first time in a long time I am actually – single. I have prospects but I am not acting on anything at the moment. I honestly don’t have time right now. Now if the right guy did come along I would make time but he has to realize how special I am. And I am pretty special if I let you in. I have a low capacity for hate. I am very understanding and forgiving but I’ve also developed a bit more toughness in my heart. It’s taken me a while but it was necessary.
I have friends in shitty relationships and marriages who put up with so much that I had to step back and take a look at myself too. I was one of those women as well. Making excuses, taking them back, giving second and third chances. No more. It is quite freeing actually. And in the end it will make me a better partner. My ex once told me that I need to fight back once in a while, not make it so easy to forgive and he is right. I don’t like to fight but I need to make sure I have a voice in the relationship too – and not one that is always trying to smooth things over and apologize.
I know what I want but most of all I know what I expect too. And I am great at compromising, as long as I don’t have to compromise being myself.
Have a great week everyone.