Healing is a solitary process. Friends and family may be there to listen, comfort and dry your tears, but healing from heartbreak is an internal process that you must face head on. You can do your best to keep yourself busy in order to keep those thoughts which haunt you over and over again at bay. But there are times you just feel the crushing ache, sometimes it happens in the morning or randomly throughout the day or at night. For me, it is the late evening right before I go to sleep.
I had a long talk with someone on Wednesday who has been through some pretty horrible relationships but is now content and married, late in life. After a bitter failed marriage and a few bad relationships that followed, she realized that she needed to do some serious self-reflection as to why her relationships were not working out. She realized that the men all had something in common, they were broken, irreparably broken. Everyone has issues and a past, but the men in her life all had issues that they could not deal with in a normal healthy manner. One drank too much and became verbally abusive, another would pick fights with her when things weren’t going well for him, another had so many family issues that he couldn’t deal with he would disappear for days, and the reasons go on and on. She realized that she didn’t want the person who couldn’t deal with life and treated her as his punching bag or second choice. She wanted the guy who, even if he has issues, is able to function and deal with them in a healthy manner and treat her as a true partner. I completely related to everything she was saying. I have been there too and allowed these type of men in my life as well. I am not issue free but the man in my life doesn’t have to be perfect, but he needs to have his life together. She gave me this advice – the cycle of hurt ends when you stop it from happening. If you keep allowing the same people who hurt you into your life, it won’t end. Free your mind and your heart, no matter how hard that seems. You will be better off, even if you feel as if you can’t imagine life without him.
I know I am strong. I know I won’t go back to someone who doesn’t have my best interests at heart because I feel lonely. I am better than that. I am stronger than that. As crushing as missing him hits me at times, I keep remembering that he hurt me, very badly, more than once. You can get a free pass (I use that term loosely) and work it out the first time, but the second time and any chances thereafter, you get no more passes, no matter how much I miss you or how much you try to convince me you won’t do it again. Because you will do it again, maybe not immediately, but you will. And I will not allow my heart to feel the solitary crush of heartbreak, not again, not from you. I am worth more and deserve better than that. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I am relieved and happy that I did.
As for my life right now, I had another great beach date the other day with the Pill Pusher. He is an interesting guy and great for casual fun. This Saturday I have another date with The Rock. I have to say The Rock has been calling and texting, not overly and not intermittently, just the right amount. He lets me know he is thinking about me. There is definitely potential looming, but of course I am taking it very slow and will see what happens. I don’t know him well enough yet, but I am liking what I see so far.
Moving on is never easy, but not ending the cycle of hurt is even harder. If you don’t allow yourself the opportunity to see what happens and keep hoping for your past loves to come back, you will be only allowing the opportunity for heartbreak to win again. And I, not matter how difficult it is to close the door, am slamming it shut this time, and changing the lock and key to my heart as well.