The other day my friend’s eight year old son looked at me as we were walking on the beach and said to me “I love you Karen, you are one of my best friends.” My heart absolutely melted. He is one of the best kids I have ever known. He completely owns my heart. And of course it got me thinking about those three little words.
I say it to my friends often. As I’ve said many times before I have the greatest circle of friends I could ever hope for and I try to never take any of them for granted. I say it easily about foods I like. I say it about my job. I say it about the beach, the weather, clothes, etc. I know that I love myself and who I am, even though at times I may not always like myself.
I have written that I never hear it from my family. I said it to my Dad today as he left to stay over at the hotel near the hospital where his tests and procedure will be. He choked the words out back to me, I know he is very emotional right now.
But I also realize that I have not heard it uttered from a man, in a romantic sense, since 2014 – the last time I was in a long term relationship. I wasn’t even sure I really loved him at the time so it was probably even longer than that since I heard it from a man who actually really meant something to me. Writing about it makes me sad because I have so much love to give, the right man.
I felt like I may have been on the verge of it with new/old guy and look how that turned out. I think if VG and I move forward it will be love. I care about him deeply but it is not love, at least not yet.
I long to hear those words again but it has to be from someone who treats me like I am a part of his life and includes me as a true partner, who shares experiences and builds memories. Someone with whom I hope to eventually live with, not necessarily married to, not sure I want to do that again, but someone I will wake up next to and smile, just knowing he is beside me, in every single way.
I have to keep believing he is out there, maybe waiting for me. Or who knows maybe he has been beside me the whole time. But whomever it is, he must be worthy of all I have to give, because when I do, he will know how lucky he is too.