It’s my one year Blogiversary (is that a word?). I cannot believe that one year has already gone by for my blog. I started writing as way to heal myself from all the pain I was experiencing at the time. I promised that my blog would be raw, funny, heartbreaking and real and I truly believe that it is. It is not always easy to write about your pain, but hopefully it helps someone, not just me, realize that they are not alone. Funny thing is I thought maybe at this time, this year, things would be different. But again I am dealing with quite a lot. Although some of my situations have not changed – I’m still dealing with heartbreak all over again and illness in my family with not one, but three members that are living with and have battled cancer, I realize that I have changed.
Last summer I was dealing with a lot on my plate. I was not coping very well either. But I know that I am blessed in this life to have wonderful friends that have supported me more than I can express in words. They have witnessed the highs and the very lows of my life and still love me no matter what happens. I make it a point to let them know I love them, because you never know when you may not get that chance again. They are my lifeblood, my everything and for them I am grateful.
But one thing that has changed is me. Maybe not so much change but more the strength I have acquired. I have gotten stronger, even if some days I don’t feel as if I am. I have dealt with a lot in my life. There are things that I have not written about that only the people close to me know. One day when I have enough courage I may write about it or it may be my private story only. I’m a survivor, a warrior, a spiritual gangster. Some days I feel sorry for myself and the situations I have been put into, but most days I realize that I am a person who is proud of her accomplishments and the strength I have. I love hard, I am outspoken, I am emotional, but most of all I am compassionate. Compassion does not make you weak, it makes you understand and accept the people around you. Sure I may cry and fall apart, but I always pick myself back up and persevere. Maybe I am a compassionate badass more than a spiritual gangster.
I would walk through fire for the ones I love. And I’d like to think they would for me too. My life isn’t perfect but it is my life, I own up to my own shit and deal with the consequences with as much dignity as I can muster. And strength. It’s funny how strong you find out you really are, even when you are feeling so very weak.
Love may have come in and out of my life in waves but I’ve been lucky to have had some great loves. And even though they have not stayed the course they have all shaped me even if they have also broken my heart. Memories get easier in time and pain eventually leaves your mind, your heart and your soul, making room for what you hope are new memories and less pain.
I cannot count the number of times I have been knocked down or how many buckets of tears I have cried, but there are also countless times I have laughed until my body aches with pleasure and felt love course in my veins and fill my heart too. There has been some very bad but also some really good too.
I may not have been the best student in life, but I have accepted change fully, whether it is my job, career or relationship or family status. I have earned degrees, accepted job loss and taken on the challenge of a new career and found the joy in doing what I love. I keep on going, open to new experiences and education. I’ll be back in school this Fall for degree #4 🙂
Sometimes I wonder how much more am I able to shoulder? But then I remind myself that I have survived no matter what curve ball life has thrown me. Maybe I was put on this earth to inspire others or maybe just to inspire myself. Some days I do not believe love will ever be mine, but then I realize I’ve had love and I deserve and will have it again. I have to keep believing.
Reading through many of my older and even more recent blog pieces I still recognize that girl that was hurt, crying and feeling as if happiness will always elude her. I also read through posts where I was so very happy and believing that possibly my happy ending was in sight. Life is cyclical, it changes our plans in the blink of an eye. I have to believe that I will find romantic love again. I know my value and my worth and the guy that will experience that with me will be a very lucky man. I also know that I am loved by the people who matter in my life, but most importantly I love myself. And that, as the song says is the greatest love of all. I may not always like myself or what has happened to me, but I do love who I am and what I have to offer. And I am proud of me, scars and all. I never give up, I may give in temporarily, but I never give up.
Thank you for following me, liking my posts, commenting on my blog, advising me, and just supporting me. We are all brave to blog about our lives and share our stories and the bond I feel with each and every one of you is an amazing feeling. I could list my favorite blog posts but there are just too many that mean so much to me. They are all a moment in time, a blueprint as to who I was and who I am becoming.
Cheers to more years of blogging, just maybe without so much heartbreak this time around. And please always remember you matter and you are worth it, even if many days you find that hard to believe. You do matter and you have a purpose on this earth, we all do.