Today’s daily prompt made me think about a text I just got from someone who caused me much pain. It was innocent enough and did not reek of getting back together but I have chosen to not respond, not open the door and not devalue myself by allowing him to believe what he did was okay and that I was okay with it. It was not. If you wanted me from the beginning you would have made the effort to keep me relevant and not disappear, hide, breakup (more than once), etc.
One thing I have learned about dating nowadays is that there seems to be less and less effort put into an existing relationship or even starting one for that matter. Now there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out – I am totally on board with that – but there is the endless texting or intermittent texting that goes on for days, sometimes even months. I’ve been subject to that. Even worse is the guy who disappears on you but still sends intermittent texts – otherwise known as breadcrumbing. I’ve said it before, real relationships don’t stop and start. You don’t toss someone aside when things aren’t going so well. If you are in a relationship, act like it. Disappearing is unacceptable and cowardly and don’t let yourself settle for the partner who stops and starts with you. You are better than that, act like you are better and believe that you are too. I’ve been down that road and it is self-destructive to your psyche. It’s just a matter of time before they hurt you all over again and you waste tears and time when you could have been building something with someone who is worthy of you, all of you.
I do not want to be the only one putting an effort into a relationship. I made a vow to a friend that I will not longer accept the guy who has issues and who runs away and leaves. Either you are in or you are out. I have more self respect than to keep allowing guys who have let me go, sometimes more than once, and want to come back in when they finally “fix their shit.” They come back claiming that they miss you, they were wrong, etc. and when you are vulnerable or lonely you open the door a little and voila! They are back in and you are hooked on their empty words.
I don’t want to be someone’s occasional hookup or be with the guy who disappears out of my life to come back later on. Real partners don’t exclude you from their lives and make you cry and feel heartbroken. And I have done my share of crying. Your partner should choose to be with you, no matter what. Anyone you know with a successful marriage or partnership will tell you it hasn’t always been easy. Life gives you twists and turns, but what they will tell you is that their partner never left them, they may have fought and disagreed and maybe not talked for a few days, but in the end they never abandoned them, ghosted them, breadcrumbed them or anything to make them feel like they didn’t exist. And if they have or are doing that, then you need to reevaluate why you are still together.
I am not perfect and I make my share of mistakes but if you can’t stand by me, then walk away because I will be doing the same. Stop devaluing yourself, I vow that I will do the same. I was told by a very wise person – when you let someone who has broken your heart more than once back in – you are only prolonging the eventual heartbreak again. Don’t let the temporary good times and empty promises overshadow how they made you feel. I have to keep reminding myself of this too, it isn’t easy because we only want to remember the good. But never forget how they hurt you. Not everyone deserves a second chance, or third, or fourth.