It’s official. I have lost my sparkle. I kind of feel as if right now I am just existing. The queen of heartbreak. That is me. Between cancer ravaging my family and heartbreak I have lost my usual zest. I am doing the bare minimum to just get through the day.
Work is kicking my ass. I have so much to do but cannot even concentrate clearly. Trying to keep my Dad’s doctor appointments and tests straight and my Sister’s ongoing ailments and tests too have taken a toll. I’m not even sure anymore who is getting what done.
I actually have a date this Thursday with someone who seems very interesting. I need to get myself psyched up for it and I am sure by Thursday I will. I am optimistic for at least some good conversation and he’s pretty cute too. He wants to take me surfing one day in the future as he has boards and likes to surf. I told him I haven’t surfed in literally 30 yrs but he said we’ll have fun anyway. I could use some fun again. Surfing will happen of course if we hit it off and there is a second date. He said he hasn’t found a connection with anyone but actually has enjoyed talking with me and is looking forward to meeting me. I also have a potential date with someone for the end of the weekend – he works in retail so his hours are erratic but oh boy is he hot! He will definitely keep my mind and eyes occupied. We’ve been chatting every day and have a few common interests. The date will eventually happen just have to get our schedules straight first. Nothing helps cure a broken heart like some new eye candy, even if just temporary. Both guys are into taking things slow which for me is what I need to do right now. I am not ready for a relationship again with anyone. These guys know that as well.
Nothing new with VG yet. We are still talking but I feel as if I need to keep my distance. I’m torn between really wanting to see him and holding off for a while. He says he wants me in his life but I’m just not so sure he will make the effort this time. And I am no longer going to be the only one making an effort. I know he had a lot going on personally and his job hours are erratic too, but if he really wants to make it work he will find a way. It’s all so disheartening.
One thing I am sure of is that I need to purge new/old guy from my heart and my brain and not do the relationship comparison game. Anyone right now will probably lose. There is no comparison. I miss our connection and seeing him and talking to him every day. There are so many signs and reminders of him. I just miss him so very much. I doubt he even thinks about me at this point which makes me sad and feel disposable. I’d like to think that he is reminded of me now and then and maybe he realizes what he had and threw away but if that were true he’d be here wouldn’t he? Hopefully karma will serve him soon.
I guess the one good thing about my two upcoming dates is that I don’t really know them yet so it will keep things lively and interesting. No history, no relationship issues, just fun. I am an extrovert so meeting new people does not frighten me.Who knows, I may even make a new friend (or surfing buddy) if things don’t work out.
I need to know what it is like to feel some joy and happiness again. And peace, most of all I need peace to shut off the thoughts in my head that keep replaying scenarios and memories. I’d give anything to erase the pain and memories.