I have a little story to tell about the last few months. I welcome everyone’s comments but I ask again that you not be too harsh as I am dealing with a lot right now. Writing is therapeutic and brings me clarity. And I’ve always been honest with my writing.
As you know new/old guy and I are finished. We did talk again and he sounds conflicted but ultimately he made his choice and I have to accept it. I think there are very few people that you connect on every level and we did. The last person that I felt I had this much in common with was my ex-husband. New/old guy had even more in common with me, our connection was real and intense but obviously his heart was somewhere else. Most people believe it is not going to work out for him and eventually he will be back (guy friends insist this too) but since he and I had a history going into our relationship I cannot allow him into my life again – no matter how hard it will be to say no. Remember it is easy to advise me to “forget him” when you are not the one in the relationship and experiencing it first hand so I ask that you try to understand why that decision would even be hard for me. I miss talking with him, sleeping with him, laughing with him and spending time with him. It is brutally painful, please understand.
There is also a backstory to all of this. I was seeing someone when new/old guy and I reconnected. I met VG last September. We became phone and texting “pals” before we met for the first time in December. Why so long? His Mom was dying of cancer and he was the primary caretaker and his Dad had passed away three months prior, so much personal loss. To say he had a lot on his plate is an understatement. He has grown kids and they were very close to their grandmother. I was one of the first people he called after his immediate family when his Mom died. We bonded. Her loss was extremely painful for him and his daughters and son. It was too hard for us to meet while she was trying to battle her cancer and I let him know I was there and would be waiting when he was ready. We talked every single day, every day, sometimes for hours, multiple times per day. I told him I was there for him, and I was.
After we met in December we got to see each other more, he lives over an hour away so it had to be planned. It was hard to be spontaneous because he works as a technician for a major company and his hours are not 9-5. Weekend call-ins happen a lot. Long distance relationships are hard. I missed being able to see him during the week, but it was nearly impossible. We started drifting apart in early to mid February. We never ended it but I decided I needed to back off a bit, he was going through a lot of grieving and it was obvious he wasn’t completely ready for me, yet, even though he wanted just me. I told him I’d back off. It was getting hard to deal with cancelled plans. I tried to be understanding but we started snapping at each other more. He agreed that we wouldn’t end but appreciated that I would give him time. I fooled myself into thinking that was what I wanted but I knew it would be good for him.
As VG and I physically drifted apart, I started thinking more about new/old guy, a lot. I always felt we had unfinished business when we ended. We never ended with a big fight but he did ghost me after our 3 week courtship last August ( he wasn’t ready and I wrote about it). I was angry and hurt then but time had passed and I was pretty much over it. I know, that should have been a big red flag, but I honestly was curious and yes, hesitant, and reached out by email because I had deleted all other contact info. He responded immediately. This was late February. He was relentless in trying to see me and I was feeling conflicted about VG and didn’t immediately see new/old guy. Until the first week of March.
One weekend when VG couldn’t see me again I agreed to meet new/old guy at his shore house. The whole way driving there I was a nervous wreck – what was I doing? how would we both react? I literally was both excited to see him and sick to my stomach with guilt. It is not like me to do this but something told me to just go. We reconnected that weekend like no time had ever passed. And yes, we did talk about what had happened. I forgave him but was cautious about pursuing anything further, except maybe a fling.
New/old guy was relentless to say the least. I finally gave in and opened the door. He pushed through and took the lead. VG and I never officially broke up – I couldn’t say goodbye to him because he was part of my life for many months. We were sort of on a hiatus. I still cared for him and although many people told me I should let him go, that it wasn’t fair to him, I just couldn’t do it. We also had a strong connection, it had just wavered, not because of me or us, but because he needed to heal his wounds from all the loss in his life. And he got the help he needed and is still healing, but is better than he was.
I was conflicted for months. I felt so much guilt about VG and I missed him too. But I was falling hard for new/old guy – he made it too easy and I thought our connection was impenetrable, I truly believed it. It was getting stronger and stronger. I have never been in a situation where I had two great guys in my life. But I just couldn’t tell VG goodbye.
I know this may sound horrible and I understand why, but VG still wants me in his life and I want to give it a try again too. I don’t think I am ready to see him yet but we are still talking – we never lost that. He has never left my side. I can never tell him what happened all these months while we were physically apart. Is he the backup prize? I can honestly say no. I would never diminish what we had to that level. However I will be brutally honest here too. I know that if new/old guy had ended up truly committing to me then I would have to say goodbye to VG. And that would have been painful no matter what. I deeply cared for VG and I still do. I know it sounds as if I am choosing him because he is still there. You may be right, but I could have let him go long ago and I didn’t. I am honest when I say I couldn’t do it. Something always stopped me. I would hear his voice and miss him all over again. It was hard on me too as horrible as I may seem admitting all this. But outsiders looking in don’t feel what I felt.
I am not even sure how we will be when we see each other again. I know that as much as I want to see him, right now, I think it is better if we take some time before we do. I don’t want my relationship with new/old guy to stain any chance with VG. I don’t want to compare them either because they are two different men of which I have had two different experiences. And I am afraid that I am too vulnerable right now to not compare them and that is not fair to VG. I don’t think I will ever have a connection with anyone like I had with new/old guy. But I do have a guy who I have bonded with who has stood by me and is real and genuine with his intentions and I truly still care for, a lot. I was not in love with either of them, yet, but my emotions were strong for both.
In time clarity will set in and I will know which path to take. Please don’t think of me as some horrible user of men. I have honestly never, ever, been in this type of situation. I don’t serial date. I am going to trust the process and be open to VG. I am not sure what will happen but maybe this is how it was supposed to work out – I don’t know. Only time will heal and time will tell what will happen. Right now I need to heal me and try to accept what has happened and be open to what may be. I was not able to close the door on VG and maybe there was a reason. Or maybe I was always afraid new/old guy would leave. Or maybe it took all this to appreciate what was always right in front of me. I was literally torn between two men. One was gaining advantage because he was making the effort and present, physically. But if the other had kept the momentum going I would have never wavered. It sounds confusing and believe me I understand why. And I never saw them both in the same weekend or during the same time. VG was a text/phone connection only when new/old guy and I started up again physically.
I used to joke how could it be that I have two great guys in my life – what luck! But looking back it was not a good thing and not something I would ever want to experience again. And maybe, just maybe, it was really only one great guy all along. I don’t know what the future will hold. I may in the end lose both of them for good. And maybe I deserve to. But I do know that I have been through a lot of pain and heartbreak in my past and I want to believe that maybe my happy ending is still there – within reach. I am a good person with a loving heart. And no matter what has happened I have to believe that it will end happily for me as hard as that my seem right at the moment.
Peace and love everyone. xo