Immense Pain

I’ve had a few days to think about what has happened to me and although I am not strong to write about it I will. My blog has always been raw and real and I will not sugarcoat my feelings. All I ask is that you refrain from judging me – right now I just need to heal and be supported. And I want to thank my friends who listen, dry my tears and hold me up when I can barely stand. And thank you to two of my exes who have also reached out (my ex husband, a great guy and The Complicated One who has become a great friend to me).

New/old guy called it quits with me last week. We had come back from our 7 days together. The first six days were wonderful. On the morning of day 7 he was quiet – not his normal self – I instinctively knew something was wrong – he assured me to stop overthinking, that everything was okay with us. I wanted to believe him but in my heart I knew better.

He received a text from someone he had a relationship with in the past on the day before we left. They had broken up 2x before and he felt that he needed to give it a third try (big mistake) so he could live without regrets. He wasn’t even sure if it could ever work with her. Needless to say I was shocked. I’ve never had anyone break up with me because things were great. And they were great – this was not in my mind.

For the past few months we spent multiple days together at each other places. We had many deep long conversations, and so much laughter and physical intimacy. Things were said by him, many promises and plans made – by him. I was not imagining his words – they were being said.

“Don’t date me unless you want to live with me”

“I never thought I would meet someone as compatible as you”

“you make me laugh and feel so good, like no one else ever has”

“I’m happy we got a second chance”

“my bed is not the same without you in it, I miss you, I wish you were here” (texted at 3am one night when we weren’t together)

“we are going to have a great summer together, and fall, and winter”

“you and I are going to be married one day – you know that right?”

Among so many other words said. We met friends of each other,  neighbors, acquaintances, he talked about me meeting his son soon. We made plans, so many plans.  Cooking together, entertaining together, listening to music – we both have such a love of music, sharing work stories and life stories. It was cerebral and passionate. Laughter was always present – we both laughed all the time with each other. He emailed me 21 inside jokes that we shared between us because he couldn’t stop laughing about it. He told me it was so easy being with me, he loved our dynamic. If we disagreed we resolved it, but that was rare. I respected his time constraints with work and his son. I was never needy and demanding. I let things happen organically between us. Unfortunately I let my heart believe him and my head. And I got burned, badly.

He broke up with me over the phone during work which is a dick move. He also mailed my stuff back UPS, also a dick move. To say I am stunned and am heartbroken would be an understatement. He and I did agree on one thing – this had absolutely nothing to do with me. He knows it all is on him. Unfortunately I am the one paying the price. I feel like I am in a nightmare and I am never going to wake up. It hurts, brutally and painfully. It felt so right, so very right. I know one day the tears will stop flowing and I’ll be okay. I have to believe that I will be okay – just don’t feel like that now.

I’ve lost my verve and I have lost my faith in love. Maybe it is only temporary, I don’t know. I don’t let any man devalue me but I feel disposable. He said it took a lot of thinking to come to his decision. I don’t like to wish bad on anyone but I hope this relationship of his implodes. Third try? good luck with that! He walked away from the best person possible and I hope one day he will realize his mistake. And it was a huge mistake.

Love and peace to everyone.

 

 

 

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About geminilvr

I have been through many relationships in my life, most long term, and they have all shaped who I am in some way. I try to find humor through the pain and heartbreak and find the strength to do it all over again. Navigating the dating waters in my forties isn't easy but hey what in life is? My blog is sprinkled with past relationships, current status and thoughts on it all! I hope my experiences make you smile, laugh or cry along with me and relate to the complexity that is life, my life, perfectly imperfect.
This entry was posted in bloggers, blogging, blogosphere, breakups, commitment, communication, dating, heartbreak, hurt, life lesson, love, relationships, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Immense Pain

  1. Paula Light says:

    I’m so sorry. He sounds like every horrible selfish narcissist. I hope you don’t ever respond to him again if he contacts you. Every hour that goes by you are getting stronger and moving on toward healing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good luck to bad rubbish. Dick moves? YES…because he’s a DICK! I agree with Paula….NEVER communicate with him again. He more or less threw you away…it’s HIS loss…and try to look at it this way…what if you had gotten married as he indicated and he pulled this shit.
    Grieve in any and every way you can. If you need to cry…cry. If you need to curse…curse like a sailor. If you need to vent…email me.
    Be strong and remember…you are a warrior and even the mightiest warriors sometimes get wounded.
    Hugs…😘

    Liked by 1 person

  3. maro says:

    I’m dated men like this before. They take advantage of loving giving ppl and promise things they never intend to fulfill bc they are full of shit. I’m sure he did have a genuine connection, but don’t take this as a reflection on you! It’s his own insecurities and self love that are lacking. Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are a very beautiful being and I am happy that you see this is no reflection on you. It seems he has a habit of breaking up and then getting back together? Definitely an issue on his part! There is love out there and it will come! Not all lovers are meant to stay in your life forever. No, this is not on you at all! Sending you loving and healing energy.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Margret says:

    I am so sorry. Take your time to heal, cry a lot until no more tears comes out of your eyes. Then put a smile in your face and move forward. You deserve better. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so very sorry. I have dated men like this, and it is something I never understand; I could never treat someone this way, yet so many men think it is ok to do it to me. Please take comfort in knowing there are many here who have you in our thoughts. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I agree with the comment above. He sounds like a classic narcissist. Please take care of yourself and try not to contact him. People like this thrive on attention. Keep writing. Sending love and healing prayer your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. L. Rorschach says:

    I am so sorry it ended like this. It’s confusing, unfair, and extremely painful. It actually reminds me of my breakup with Hayden… only we weren’t nearly as close as you and your guy were. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now. Coincidentally, while driving to work this morning I was recalling the pain of my breakup with Hayden and was crying. 😦

    Breakups are 1000x harder when things are going great and we’re blindsided. The sorrow is almost indescribable.

    I have so many questions! My head is spinning. But 3 I can articulate right now:
    1) So he got this text/email/whatever from his ex before you left on your trip but he didn’t act like anything was wrong until the end of the trip?! Wow. And why??!
    2) What was 1st first breakup like?
    3) What makes his ex-GF so special that he wants to throw away what you have and get back together with her despite your strong connection? Is she the mother of his child?

    Please reach out if you need to talk! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • geminilvr says:

      He actually got the text on the evening of the 6th day of our vacation, day 7 we left to go home and that is when his whole demeanor changed. She is not the mom of his son. He and his ex-wife had a shitty sexless marriage for 15 yrs and co-parenting has been bad. He met this chick while he was separated from ex, they then broke up after a few months then reconnected this past November and broke up again in Jan. We reconnected late Feb. Supposedly they had lots of issues they couldn’t get past, I didn’t ask what, and she reached out again hoping they could work out. He claims he was conflicted but felt he had to give one more chance so he could live without regrets, yeah whatever! He threw away something great and I hope one day he lives with the regret of losing me. It hurts beyond words right now but I will not allow him in my life again. Great relationships don’t keep starting and stopping, they continue on and build. I hope one day he misses me and feels pain. Thanks for reaching out to me 😚

      Liked by 1 person

      • L. Rorschach says:

        What an asshole. I hope he at least cried and was pained when he broke the news to you that he was going to go back to ex-GF. That’s a joke! What makes him think it’s going to work this time??

        I’m happy to hear that you’ve kicked him to the curb. He doesn’t deserve you. xx

        Liked by 1 person

  9. zlotybaby says:

    I’m sorry to hear your story. The guy does seem like a narcissist. I’ve read some other posts on your blog and of what I’ve read he seems a bit similar to your mom with how he wanted attention? Just a thought, may be completely misguided. After how he handled the break up I think there’s nothing left of the respect you once had for him. It’s not the right time yet to feel lucky but you did dodge a bigger bullet a year or so down the line. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

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