For the past few years I have hid my heartbreak and my relationships from my family. All the relationships after my ex-fiancee and I broke up in spring of 2014 have been kept quiet. There is a reason I have not told my family much. I don’t normally write about my family but this time I need some advice. I’ll elaborate a little further.
I wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I’m upset I cry, I share, I let it out. I come from a family where I love you is said infrequently, in fact, never at all. I hear friends say it to their children and I say it to my friends easily. But my family is just not like that. My Mom has a good heart but she is overbearing. My relationship with my Dad is very close. I can talk to him about anything and everything (except politics). There have also been family illnesses and honestly, so I feel like the less I share the better, they have so much more to deal with.
My family rarely visits me so when I was living with The Complicated One they had no idea. My Mom thinks I have been single and relationship free since 2014. My maternal grandmother was very overbearing with my Mom and her family and I think my Mom gets jealous when I am in a relationship – she has always expected me to come visit her and my Dad pretty much every weekend. My grandmother always expected my Mom to do everything with her. Even when I was married and also engaged I would get the guilt trip. Both guys put up with it but I think it ultimately played a part in dooming the relationships.
I finally told my Mom and Dad a little about my new/old guy about three weeks ago. Just a little. My Dad was very interested, my Mom not so much.
Now for the past few months when she didn’t know I was in a relationship if I didn’t come by for a visit, she would not be upset. I did not get the guilt trip. But as soon as I told her, I got the old “oh I thought you’d come by” speech last weekend. Funny thing is I popped by the previous two weekends and spent all of Sunday one weekend and all of Saturday another weekend.
Fast forward to this weekend. I called her on Friday to check in to see how she was feeling. She got a clean bill of health from her doctor on the melanoma so I knew she was okay. She asked what I was doing for the weekend. I was already at the shore with my new/old guy but I figured let me tell her less about it but be somewhat honest. I told her I was heading to shore for a few days and then….she lit into me.
She basically asked what is going on? Are you living together now? You always get hurt, what are you thinking? You don’t care about your family and what we are doing. I was floored!
First of all I am a grown woman. I can see whomever and do whatever I want with that person. I responded rationally and told her that I am disappointed that she could just not be happy for me and making outrageous claims such as living together are unwarranted. I also told her she lost all privileges to know from hereon in what is going on in my life. I was speechless but not surprised. She has also been trying to fix me up with two of her friend’s sons and I have repeatedly declined. I know the guys and am not interested in them. Funny how she has no problem with that scenario. I have vowed to never tell her anything anymore.
The conversation did not end well. She basically hung up on me. I have not talked to her since and I do not plan on calling her at the moment. I know I talk about forgiveness, a lot, but right now I need to digest this. I am hurt by her reaction. The sad thing is whenever I hear friends talking about how close they are with their Moms it makes me a little sad. I am not close with my Mom at all and mostly it is because she is very judgemental. My sister is too when it comes to my relationships. I have not suffered abuse but some breakups I have shown my emotions to them. But I heal and come back stronger then ever, I wish they could see that and be proud of me. I have survived a lot and am proud of myself.
I didn’t let it affect my days with my guy but it definitely is starting to weigh a little more on me now that I am back home. And I must add that my Mom is unable to have an unopinionated conversation with me. My Dad can and I am wondering if I should try to talk to him first. I almost always dread calling her, she makes me feel bad when I do. My siblings all live with her (2 family house) so I am usually the bad kid for not being there all the time, but I do have a life outside them too (I am not trying to be harsh here).
I honestly don’t know how to handle this and welcome any and all advice.