You can’t choose your family…

For the past few years I have hid my heartbreak and my relationships from my family.  All the relationships after my ex-fiancee and I broke up in spring of 2014 have been kept quiet. There is a reason I have not told my family much. I don’t normally write about my family but this time I need some advice. I’ll elaborate a little further.

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I’m upset I cry, I share, I let it out. I come from a family where I love you is said infrequently, in fact, never at all. I hear friends say it to their children and I say it to my friends easily. But my family is just not like that. My Mom has a good heart but she is overbearing. My relationship with my Dad is very close. I can talk to him about anything and everything (except politics). There have also been family illnesses and honestly, so I feel like the less I share the better, they have so much more to deal with.

My family rarely visits me so when I was living with The Complicated One they had no idea. My Mom thinks I have been single and relationship free since 2014. My maternal grandmother was very overbearing with my Mom and her family and I think my Mom gets jealous when I am in a relationship – she has always expected me to come visit her and my Dad pretty much every weekend. My grandmother always expected my Mom to do everything with her. Even when I was married and also engaged I would get the guilt trip. Both guys put up with it but I think it ultimately played a part in dooming the relationships.

I finally told my Mom and Dad a little about my new/old guy about three weeks ago. Just a little. My Dad was very interested, my Mom not so much.

Now for the past few months when she didn’t know I was in a relationship if I didn’t come by for a visit, she would not be upset. I did not get the guilt trip. But as soon as I told her, I got the old “oh I thought you’d come by” speech last weekend. Funny thing is I popped by the previous two weekends and spent all of Sunday one weekend and all of Saturday another weekend.

Fast forward to this weekend. I called her on Friday to check in to see how she was feeling. She got a clean bill of health from her doctor on the melanoma so I knew she was okay. She asked what I was doing for the weekend. I was already at the shore with my new/old guy but I figured let me tell her less about it but be somewhat honest. I told her I was heading to shore for a few days and then….she lit into me.

She basically asked what is going on? Are you living together now? You always get hurt, what are you thinking? You don’t care about your family and what we are doing. I was floored!

First of all I am a grown woman. I can see whomever and do whatever I want with that person. I responded rationally and told her that I am disappointed that she could just not be happy for me and making outrageous claims such as living together are unwarranted. I also told her she lost all privileges to know from hereon in what is going on in my life. I was speechless but not surprised. She has also been trying to fix me up with two of her friend’s sons and I have repeatedly declined. I know the guys and am not interested in them. Funny how she has no problem with that scenario. I have vowed to never tell her anything anymore.

The conversation did not end well. She basically hung up on me. I  have not talked to her since and I do not plan on calling her at the moment. I know I talk about forgiveness, a lot, but right now I need to digest this. I am hurt by her reaction. The sad thing is whenever I hear friends talking about how close they are with their Moms it makes me a little sad. I am not close with my Mom at all and mostly it is because she is very judgemental. My sister is too when it comes to my relationships. I have not suffered abuse but some breakups I have shown my emotions to them. But I heal and come back stronger then ever, I wish they could see that and be proud of me. I have survived a lot and am proud of myself.

I didn’t let it affect my days with my guy but it definitely is starting to weigh a little more on me now that I am back home. And I must add that my Mom is unable to have an unopinionated conversation with me. My Dad can and I am wondering if I should try to talk to him first. I almost always dread calling her, she makes me feel bad when I do. My siblings all live with her (2 family house) so I am usually the bad kid for not being there all the time, but I do have a life outside them too (I am not trying to be harsh here).

I honestly don’t know how to handle this and welcome any and all advice.


About geminilvr

I have been through many relationships in my life, most long term, and they have all shaped who I am in some way. I try to find humor through the pain and heartbreak and find the strength to do it all over again. My blog is sprinkled with past relationships, current status and thoughts on it all! I hope my experiences make you smile, laugh or cry along with me and relate to the complexity that is life, my life, perfectly imperfect.
This entry was posted in bloggers, blogging, communication, family, family issues, forgiveness, goals, hurt, life lesson, love, relationship goals, relationships, sorry, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to You can’t choose your family…

  1. Advice? My advice is stop mirroring my life, it can’t end well 🙂

    Seriously apart from the obvious difference, me not being the daughter, you are going through almost the exact crap I went through more than once. My mum is like you describe, my mum’s mum was like you describe, my dad is like you describe, (although I sometimes start political discussions just to annoy him) and I’m like you describe yourself in many ways….we should stop comparing things before I get embarrassed!!

    I probably wasn’t as open about forgiveness as you are, I’m grumpy. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve hung up on my mum, (the number has gone up since we had kids). My parents rarely visit here any more (we are only 10 mins away) because…well because…well pick and excuse from the excuse calendar…but claim we are welcome to visit all the time. I’ve stopped sharing too many things with them purely because I can’t be bothered putting up with all the lectures. I just accept it as life now, problem is sometimes it seems like everyone is doing the same thing.

    What’s my advice? Become a mother and you can do it to someone else 🙂

    Seriously though I feel for you but I’m not going to offer advice simply because you might listen and you could end up like me 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • geminilvr says:

      I’m way past becoming a Mom prime , maybe an evil stepmother 😉
      It is exhausting hurtful and frustrating. I think the only way to deal with it is to just not share anything anymore no matter how much I’d like to. Self preservation tactic I guess.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I come from a similar situation. First, forgiveness is for YOU and not the other person. Forgiveness is understanding why the other person behaves the way they do. Forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting and going back into the same situation for more abuse (yes, that its what it is). I am now 52 years old and I have not had a relationship with my mom for 2 1/2 years. It was not until I broke ties with my mother that I truly became an adult at the ripe old age of 49. You can forgive and still have boundaries.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I would say…don’t give her your power. Families can be difficult but it’s your life and you must live it. You know your own heart and have strong convictions. Don’t lose yourself trying to please those who want control.
    Stay strong. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  4. bklynboy59 says:

    Wow Gemini I don’t know where to begin it is quite a mess you have on your hands. My situation isn’t quite like yours its my father that is judgemental in his own way. He caters to my younger sister. My baby sister and I are both married to other people. For me it is my second marriage and while he politely ask how my wife is doing he …hasn’t come to see me or spend the day with us yet he is always spending time with my younger sister because …she has no one!!! My point is this your father seems to be your kinder ally make good use of that to have him share your points with your mom/ As frustrating as it is with family…we can’t control their thoughts or actions the best we can do is control how we react to their thoughts and hope in time they will be accepting of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bisma Naveed says:

    Hey ! I can understand where you are coming from and to be honest, your reaction is completely valid.
    It is easier to forgive and move on when the person that has hurt you is someone who is not closely related to you but when it is your very own mother it does feel bad, very bad.
    Having said that, I feel that you should try just this once to forgive her. Do something special for her, it doesn’t has to big and then go talk to her, explain your situation and how hard it is upon you. I’m sure she’ll understand.
    She is only concerned about you, its just her way of protecting you. There might be many other issues she has to deal with apart from your problem and handling everything at once can be pretty frustrating. She is only human, forgive her.
    And know that family is the closest bond you can ever have, they are the most sincere to your cause so talking to them, sharing things with them will only help you for whatever decision you need to take.
    I hope this helps 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. jane tims says:

    My advice is this: talk to your mom and let her know what is going on in your life. Little bits of information, a quick call to say hello. You don’t have to agree with her, but listen to her and try to understand where she is coming from. I am a mom and I know moms love their kids and try to be helpful, often not succeeding. From generation to generation the rules change so much. Find some common ground and talk about that. I wish you the very best. Jane

    Liked by 1 person

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