I am in a relationship again and I am terrified. He is a great guy, I like him a lot, I can honestly see it going somewhere, but I am scared. Considering how my last few relationships ended, actually considering how most of my relationships have ended in the past two decades, including divorce and a broken engagement, it is easy to understand why.
My heart and emotions have been through a lot. They have been shattered, broken, taken for granted, used and toyed with. I have always healed, dusted my self off and opened my heart and mind again to love. I usually do it fearlessly but not this time.
I don’t know why I am feeling anxious, worried and scared this time, but I think it has do with more of my fear of having my heart broken again than the relationship itself. I am usually all-in, no fear, but this time I am being more cautious. I am not afraid to express what I am feeling and or be vocal if something is bothering me, but the moments I am alone, I tend to think more. It sounds confusing doesn’t it?
I know I just need to trust and remain positive and I’m trying. But I also keep wondering if one day he is just going to give up on me, like the others. My heart tells me no, my brain likes to do the opposite and make problems where there aren’t any. It’s a constant battle between the two.
I have been through a lot and I know I deserve and am worth the best in a relationship. I have never expected perfection and also know that I am not capable of it either. He gets that too and has stuck with me and I with him. Maybe that is the unfamiliar territory I am in, a true partner who is walking by my side, not leaving it, or walking away when life gets in the way or things get messy between us. Someone who now looks at me and has told me that he has saved the best for last and that he will not let me go. And I hope he never lets me go.