I love to write ideas and save quotes on my notepad on my phone. I do it constantly as ideas endlessly swirl in my head. I finally took some time the other day to sort through the never ending list of notes and came across some text I had entered this past August. I was going through a very rough patch at the time and would sit outside my place of work, also known as my happy place, when I needed to clear my head. Bringing my laptop outdoors into the sunshine would lift my mood, even if just for a while. One day as I was sitting outside and enjoying the sunshine, I received some great advice from a colleague who is a Professor at the University in which I work. Whenever he would see me he would stop and chat for a bit. He was always trying to teach me how to start meditating and to always be grateful for the good in my life. On that day I was not feeling grateful for anything and as for meditating, I still struggle and blame it on my overactive mind. Kudos to anyone who can practice it.
As I was telling him of some recent events in my life and the difficult period I was currently going through, I also told him about how I was contemplating blogging but not sure if I had the “guts” to do it. Then the tears started. I wasn’t sobbing, it was more of what I like to call tiny tears, the kind that well up in your eyes but not flow. He noticed the change in my demeanor. I am usually the person that can hide my feelings in public very well, but eventually my facial expressions will tell a different story. He then said to me “opportunity is everywhere, embrace it, no matter how scared you are.” He then went on to add “Time is not guaranteed, don’t waste it wondering what you should have done, just do it and always know your true worth even if you don’t immediately see it and others around you do not see it.” We ended up talking for a very long time. I didn’t divulge everything going on in my life, I didn’t have to, but he knew I had a lot troubling me. He shared some of his personal history with me and how far he had come in healing. I was surprised to hear his story, he always seemed so at peace and positive. As he left he told me he would send me positive energy and pray for me. I remember feeling very comforted, even if it was just for a moment. But his words spoke to me.
Stop being afraid and always know your true worth. How many times in my life I based my worth on what other people thought of me. How I look or what type of job I had, where I went to school, if I was married or had kids. The list goes on. The older you get the more you begin to realize that all of that doesn’t matter. It is what is inside of you, how you view yourself that matters most. I still struggle with aspects of myself at times. I think we all do. But I have learned to appreciate what I have to offer as well.
I lived with a guy who wouldn’t admit to his friends that we were a couple. He wouldn’t admit it to himself either. I still don’t know why I allowed him to treat me this way. Was it related to my self-worth at the time? It was a painful feeling, extremely painful. I do know that when we met I was in a vulnerable place. I take full ownership of letting him treat me that way, I allowed it to happen. I learned from it and I never want to feel that way again. And I won’t because I won’t let it happen. Always know your true worth. How important those words really are. I vowed to never let a man define me again, or anyone else for that matter.
Many days I’m still finding my way in this world, but I now know my true worth. Life is one big journey isn’t it? There is no guaranteed path, but you need to know that it is your journey. Trust in yourself and forgive yourself if you fall. Don’t look at your mistakes as failures. Mistakes don’t define you nor do they decrease your value as a person. Only you can devalue yourself. And yes I’ll admit there are still days I am hard on myself, but those thoughts eventually pass too and I move on. Some days I am strong and some days I feel as if I want to pull the covers over my head and hide, but one thing I do know is I am worth it. No matter what happens, or what I do, or how many crazy decisions I make, I am worth it.