Warning: Salty language ahead and shit’s about to get real too!
This past year was shit, it really was. No, it was actually fucking shit! I don’t think I personally despised a year more than I did 2016. As I look back, not fondly, I have to say I can’t wait to put this year far behind me. It belongs in the toilet. I started off celebrating the arrival of 2016 with The Complicated One, living together, and fighting, on New Year’s Eve. We made up, for lack of a better words, the next morning and lived on an emotional rollercoaster with each other for the next few months. When we officially broke up in April it devastated me. Then I met someone and felt happiness again. But of course, that happiness was not to be either.
The year had me looking for a job and fighting for my temporary hope to become permanent job. Thank God it worked out but it was a fight that damn near drained the life out of me. Then my sister spent three weeks in the hospital when routine surgery turned out to be not so routine. It was life-threatening, no one else knew except me, and while that was happening I was going through a breakup and fighting for my job all at the same time. During that horrific span, I lost a guy that I cared for, lost an insane amount of weight and lost myself. I cried buckets. I drank too much vodka one night and took an extra anxiety pill. It was a recklessly stupid move. It was not enough to kill me, that was not my intention, but it rendered me incapacitated and scared the shit out me. I remember I just wanted to sleep the weekend away, not realizing how dangerous what I was doing actually was. I just wanted to numb the pain, in a very wrong way. I woke up hours later on my bathroom floor after vomiting and crawling into the bathroom. That was my rock bottom. I haven’t taken an anxiety pill since.
I constantly wondered if I had paid enough already! I paid financially, emotionally and physically. To say this was the worst year of my life is an understatement. It was sheer fucking hell. I’ve had some not so great years but this one took the cake. I think the stress of everything, all at once, took its toll on me. I have endured a lot in my life, and usually have better coping skills, but I reached a point this year where I just couldn’t take any more.
As I wrote this piece through my tears, I also realized that I do have some things to be thankful for as the year comes to an end as well. My sister is still fighting cancer but she is alive, and fighting. And even though my Dad is now fighting cancer too, he is an 87 year old stubborn badass. I am healthy, both physically and mentally. I have friends who love and support me. I have repaired and found a lifelong friend in a relationship that I thought was fractured forever with the Complicated One. I have a job that I love. And even though I met The Scorpion and lost him, he made me feel beautiful and sexy again and made me laugh, a lot, with his incessant teasing, even if it was just for a while. I also met someone who is very special. I’m not sure where it will go, but I have a feeling it will be a very good journey. Time will tell.
But most of all I am thankful I am alive, and that the day I drank too much in July didn’t kill me or kill my spirit. I eventually got me back, the strong me who was hiding while the weak me temporarily took over. Writing saved me. Writing about yourself and exposing your weaknesses isn’t easy. It’s not brave. I’m not brave, I’m just me – a flawed, imperfect woman who loves hard and wants to be loved too and is trying to just deal with life, one day at a time. My blog has given me an outlet to express my emotions and in the process I’ve met some amazing bloggers, whom I now consider friends, along the way. How many likes, views and follows I receive are exciting but honestly it’s the comments that are most important to me. Solidarity and knowing that my story may have given someone hope and not feel like as if they are alone, no matter how dark their circumstances may be, gives me hope too. Selfishly it makes me feel as if I am not alone. I never thought writing about myself could help someone else. As I always say I am still so humbled by it all, I really, truly am.
So as 2016 closes I just want to say thank you for following, commenting, viewing, supporting and sharing my journey. It has been a very difficult year, but I have come out of it stronger. I will always be a work in progress, but then again aren’t we all? There is no shame in admitting your mistakes or showing you are vulnerable. It’s what makes us human. We all fall and get back up. No one has a perfect life, we all shoulder different burdens and should practice just a little more mindfulness because you never really know what someone is going through. I read what many of my fellow bloggers have been through as well, and it rips my heart out, but it gives me hope too. We are all warriors fighting our own battles.
I hope 2017 is a better year for me, my family, my friends, my exes (yes I actually mean that), and for my fellow bloggers and followers. I have no resolutions, don’t really believe in making them, but I vow to just be me and always value me, not matter what life throws at me, again and again.
Cheers to you and yours! We got this! Bring on 2017! And 2016 – FUCK THE FUCK OFF!
Peace and love. XOXO