I received a comment a few weeks ago from someone who reads my blog that made me think twice about what I have been posting lately. I respect everyone’s opinion and will only trash comments that are disparaging to anyone I write about or if they are vulgar. Luckily, so far I have not had to do any trashing. But although her comment stopped me in my tracks for a second, I still posted it and responded. And it made me reflect about my blog and what I have been writing lately, particularly was I being too much of my own cheerleader, and secondly, is that really such a bad thing?
The comment I received spoke to the fact that I seem to be promoting myself and possibly speaking to one of my exes, maybe to get him back? I was also told that my posts were not as humorous as in the past. Funny thing about my blog is that yes there are stories that are specific to certain exes but sometimes a piece refers to more than one ex. I have said in real life what I have said to my exes. If I was trying to win anyone back believe me they already know it, straight from this blogger’s mouth. If they don’t see that I am worth it, then I can’t force it, it is their choice to be with me, or not. I am only writing about what I feel and usually what I have already said. Is it crazy that I allow any exes to follow me? Probably. Sometimes I even talk to them about what I wrote. My ex-husband read my first few posts, he is a writer by trade, and gave me some great advice. We are not buddies, but we are friendly and check in with each other occasionally. Another, ex, one who hurt me the worst, has become a friend, in an odd way, a new reality for me and I think for him too. I need to keep the peace with him and we found a happy medium and I make no excuses for his past behavior, but we can and are moving forward in a healthy way. The Scorpion knows how I feel, when we talked a few weeks ago I was honest in my feelings. I still think he is a good guy even if we are oil and water and maybe didn’t end so well. I get him and I’d like to think he sort of gets me, even if we don’t agree on many things. Again, I have nothing to hide there either.
I have said in previous blog pieces that I endured a lot this summer. I really did, none of it was made up. Family illness, potential job loss, horrible breakups one and two, ghosting, financial problems, all from a span of April until early September. I have pretty strong shoulders but even this weight was too much to bear at times. I also just found out that one of my parents has cancer, hopefully treatable, I’ll find out soon. Life constantly throws curve balls at us, constantly. My posts may not always be funny ones, because as many of you know all too well, when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and are in the process of healing and dealing with life in general, being funny is not so easy.
It is easier for me to write about my earlier relationships in a humorous sense, they happened so long ago. I have healed, moved on and can look back fondly and many times laugh. I’m slowly coming to terms with my relationships from this past summer. I have found some humor in a few things that happened and will be writing about some of those things soon. I do not regret any relationships, except for the guy that was my safe choice, I regret letting that go on for too long and hurting him in the process. I have embraced the good and the bad with each and every relationship. Some of the hurt is still there, but I have become stronger and confident. I am also not trying to get anyone back through my blog. I am just being honest. I have been nothing but brutally honest with my feelings, my emotions, my hurt.
I am strong and confident and yes I am my biggest cheerleader. I have to be. My friends cheer me on, they lift me up, they listen and they guide me. I have a terrific support network. My family doesn’t know much of what I have gone through – I protect them because they have cancer to worry about. I choose to not let them worry about me and have to be their Rock of Gibraltar, even when I feel no bigger than a pebble.
I am proud that I have survived feeling so low, so broken, and at times on the verge of not even wanting to walk on this planet anymore. So many nights I cried, alone, and put on a happy face the next day. Yet, I still have my sense of humor, I never lost it, but I also have to deal with life and there are days I struggle to find any humor. Some days I’m still trying to find my way, right my ship in the storm that swirls around me, I still cry, but I deal with it in a healthier way. And I do laugh, a lot, as well.
I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and coupled with my writing, I have gained back my self-confidence. Writing your thoughts and feelings and sharing them with others takes courage and yes also opens you to criticism. I get that. I have to say that the blogging community has been nothing but supportive, every step of the way.
And what may seem normal to me may be hard to understand for someone else. Many people in my life still question how I can stay friendly with any ex, and yes sometimes I wonder too. And if people can’t understand how I do that, well, that is okay too. I will never criticize anyone for expressing how they feel, whether I agree or not, it takes courage to do that as well, and it is their emotion, their perspective, not mine. I can’t judge someone until I’ve truly walked in their shoes, nor should they judge me. I can, however, show understanding and accept their point of view, because we all have different experiences.
So in closing, no, I have not lost my sense of humor, my sense of purpose, or for the most part, my senses! I am evolving, gaining strength but I also hope that I am inspiring and motivating others, or maybe at least helping someone else feel that they are not alone in their journey. Be your biggest cheerleader and be someone’s cheerleader too, you never know if they need it.