Since I have taken myself off various dating sites, my life has a much more subdued atmosphere. Well, let’s just say as subdued as it can be for someone with a personality like mine. I really am enjoying the down time. I am concentrating on one person now, me, and it feels nice. I admit I have been concentrating on just one guy as well and I’m not sure where it will go, if anywhere, and that feels pretty good too. The frenetic pace of answering messages, talking on the phone with and meeting potential dates is not something I am missing at all, not one bit. I needed a break from it and it has done me well.
This past summer everything seemed to be happening at a pace that was wearing me down. I was losing weight rapidly from stress, there was just so much stress in my life. I am not a stress eater, I am the opposite. I don’t intentionally self harm that way, I just have no desire to eat and feel physically ill when I am stressed. At one point a friend took me aside and showed me a picture I had sent her and she said the first thing she noticed was that my collarbones were sticking out and I looked exhausted. My smile was forced in the photo too. She was right, I didn’t look healthy. It was the first time in my life that I allowed so many outside stressors take such a toll on me. It was physically and mentally changing who I am. Besides losing too much weight, I also had a very difficult time dealing with my emotions. My Dad always calls me his “steady Eddie.” This summer I was not, I was falling apart. I hid it well from most people. My friends knew what was going on and they helped me through my darkest times and yes, they still do. My relationship suffered. I was suffering. Sometimes I felt as if I was circling the drain.
I have since started to turn the corner. It hasn’t been easy, I’ll admit it. I am eating healthier, I am laughing more, I am happier than I’ve been in a long time. I still have family illnesses that, at times, shake me to my core with worry, but I am becoming “steady Eddie” again.
I have also been channeling my stress into my workouts. I enjoy working out and have been focusing much of my negative energy at the gym. It is one place where I am never subdued. I feel as if right now I am in the best shape of my life. I’ve gained a little weight back, intentionally, and I think I look pretty good. I am also meeting up with friends more, reconnecting with ones I have not seen, but most of all I’m laughing again, having fun. I am also spending some quiet time at home, and that feels welcome too. As someone who’s mind even overthinks her overthinking, this is a welcome relief too.
There are still days when I get knocked down and feel as if I can’t pull myself back up again. Dark days and dark thoughts that try to push me down again and again. But you know what? I always find a way back up. I always do. I am strong, both inside and out. And I am back to being me, well almost.
Maybe subdued is not really a word that I would use to describe me or my life. But I know frenetic is not one I would use anymore either. How about balanced? Yeah, that one works for me and I like it.