I’ve been thinking about the subject of time lately. Not because I have too much of it, because I’ve been worrying so much about future happenings that I am neglecting the time I am currently being given, and worrying more about the time that is not promised.
Since I finally received closure on my relationship with The Scorpion (or at least I think that’s what it was) I’ve thought about time and how important it really is.I wasted, for lack of a better word, so much time trying to get him back when I should have just realized he didn’t want me back. I never gave any other guy a real chance.
Today I decided to take down my two dating profiles. First I went on Bumble, which I never really liked anyway, for the last time today, and funny, he came up on my list of prospects. Of course I swiped right (smile). Other funny thing too is that my other ex came up on it @2 months ago (and his best friend). Again I swiped right and immediately told him. We laughed quite a bit about that one. He and I will always be close. I also hid my Plenty of Fish profile. I’m tired of the constant messages. I need a break. I’ve been meeting people in real life and that has been nice too. I’ve been talking to two nice guys and want to see where it goes with either of them. I’m not wasting my time on multiple conversations to see who else is out there. Not my thing. It’s all just a time sucker.
There was also a horrific train accident this week in the state I live which also made me think about time. When I heard about it my heart stopped for a second. It is a line my ex takes to work. I immediately called him. No matter how much hurt was involved in our ending, I needed to know he was okay. He was fine and was touched that I reached out and cared. But he knows, as I’ve said before, I will always care about him. We will always be connected. You could lose someone in an instant and no matter your current or past history, don’t waste time hating or avoiding that person. If you still care and love them, reach out and let them know.
I have a friend who became angry at me over something I thought was really not a big deal. I let her cool down a bit and then I reached out. She appreciated it. We may not be close but she is still a friend and she was going through a medical situation. She was under a lot of stress and I understood that. Maybe I am naive to think that everyone deserves a chance? I don’t know, I’ve always been this way. Maybe, I’m setting myself up for more hurt but I’d rather be hurt than be closed off and not experience love. But why waste time over something that in the end really is so silly to be angry about?
As Fall gets closer, I’m reflecting more on my summer of, well let’s just call it what it was, shit. I had two painful breakups and I was ghosted (I’m over that one). A very scary family illness. Some financial stress which is still following me, but I am dealing with it. I wasn’t sure if I would have my job after my contract expired and fought hard for a new position. It was all so very stressful, more than I thought I could shoulder at times. But I did.
Then after some time, all these stressful things started to settle. My new job came through and is secure and I love what I do. The family illness situation has gotten better, even though it is chronic. My painful breakup has turned into a friendship (still the strangest relationship on the planet). My other breakup made me realize that I am okay with who I am. I was trying so hard to change things about myself that I realized that I like me and that is what matters. He wanted me to learn something from all of it and I did. I think I’m pretty awesome even though I screw up and you know what? I’m still a great catch (big smile).
I also reconnected with an old friend whom I love dearly. I am in the best shape of my life. I have friends that I know will never leave me, nor I them. I’ve met nice guys too and still am. I even reconnected with a high school boyfriend who told me I look hotter than ever (he’s married – not going there), and that I still have my sarcastic sense of humor. I also finally realize that I am worth so much more than these bumps in the road, and more than what people think or expect of me.
As we move into the Fall season I am going to remind myself of a few important things:
Don’t waste time on focusing on the negative on a person, focus on the positive. We are all going through something and everyone deserves a break now and then. Many people use avoidance as a tactic and that just wastes time. Just talk and ask, or better yet, just be there to wipe away a tear or hold someone’s hand.
You will make mistakes, stop trying to please everyone, or worse yet, convince everyone who you are – just be you! The right person, whether it’s a potential partner or friend, needs to accept you for you, not who they want you to be.
Don’t be afraid to fall down and ask for help. The right people will be there to pick you up and walk along beside you, whatever path you are choosing.
I talk too much sometimes, I laugh very loud, I am sarcastic, I cry, I feel, I worry, I am persistent, I love hard, but that is me and I will not change. Stay true to yourself, be who you are, show your scars and flaws and say fuck you to anyone who mocks them.
And most of all, keep loving and living – time is not guaranteed, make the most of the time you have. Tell people you love them, appreciate them, how you feel about them – because we may plan for tomorrow, but tomorrow is not guaranteed.