So I’ve had two full days to digest and think about the outcome of the game and my subsequent call from The Scorpion. As I look back, I am upset that he bothered to play this game with me at all, considering the outcome. I felt led on. Even though he may have been doing it to prove a point, I do not need to prove myself to anyone anymore. Take me as I am. I will love you like no other, but I will also screw up, I am human.
I still think he is a great guy, I really do. But being with someone is about acceptance and being there. I think when I was spiraling out of control with my texting, he could have done one thing to stop it – ask me if I was okay. Simple right? Looking back that would have meant the world to me. I was struggling through a lot this summer, a helluva lot. This summer took a toll on me, mentally and physically. Family illness, work struggles, financial struggles. It’s not an excuse for a free pass on anything but it is a opening to be there for someone when they need you.
Are you okay? How easy is it to say that someone? I always worry about everyone else in my life, it’s what I do whether you ask for it or not. I am helper, fixer, you name it, I’ll do it. But so often, I long for someone to ask me what they can do. I’m not talking about my friends, they do that and are there for me, always. I am speaking directly about the men who have been a part of my life.
I won’t disclose all that The Scorpion and I spoke about. I understand some of his reasons and am confused by others. I won’t say anything to disparage him, it is not in my heart to do so. I care about him and do not have any reason to do so. I still think he was someone I could have had a future with, but only if he could accept all of me. Accept that I make mistakes, but also accept that I will forgive yours too. I’m not so sure that he could accept me for who I am, the girl who has flaws and some days finds it hard to smile even though I will do my best to smile.
He has moved on, I will move on. Our paths may cross again or they may not. He gave me the conversation that I longed for, unfortunately, I wish he would have talked to me weeks ago. It might have been a different outcome, or maybe not. I can’t project his thoughts and I won’t attempt to either.They’re his and not mine. I’m still happy that we met and he was a part of my life. I have no regrets.
No more games, no more tests, no more I’m sorry from me. I am easy, yet complex. I love hard but I’m not hard to love. All I need is a little watering. I’m stronger than most people realize and sometimes I am amazed at my own strength.I have been through a lot in my life and always make it out happier, stronger and proud of who I am.
Just have my back when I need you and simply ask me – are you okay? It’s really that simple.