Most of the time my blog is not in real time. It may be filled with thoughts and stories that are decades, months or a few weeks behind. I am writing this in real time, as it just happened this past weekend and I felt the need to write what I am feeling at the moment.
I admit it, I hate this online and meeting in real life dating thing. I haven’t had a hard time meeting anyone, but as someone known as relationship girl, this casual dating situation is so exhausting. I had a guy say to me this past Friday night that I must receive lots of messages as if that is a prize. Some might think, oh wow, lucky you. No, I don’t feel lucky. I hate that at this stage in my life I’m in the dating pool. There, I admit it. You know what I suck at too? Talking with multiple guys, trying to set up multiple dates. How do millennials do it? Or even people my age? I don’t want to talk to multiple men, I can’t keep track of what I am saying and who I said it to. It’s all so confusing. It’s a full time job to keep up and I have a full time job. I haven’t even checked my messages in days, just need a break.
I’m tired and at times deflated. I’m tired of everyone saying you have so much to offer the right guy. He’s out there waiting for you (eye roll). I know that, my friends know and tell me that, my family knows that (most of the time), why can’t the guys I’m in a relationship with see that? Why must they only see my faults? Why must they only see what I’ve done wrong, instead of all that I’ve done right? Am I just picking the wrong men? Maybe, in some cases, but not all. So many questions, no answers.
I’m tired, I’m deflated but luckily I’m not defeated. The white flag will never come out, I won’t give up. When I want something, or someone, I am persistent. I also like sharing moments together, with someone special, having coffee or drinks together, the inside jokes, the intimacy. Yes, I know you can get that from your friends too, but I think you all know what I mean.
Another guy recently asked me what do I miss most about being in a relationship? I had to stop and think about this for quite a bit. There are so many things I miss. I finally responded and said that I miss having those little inside jokes that only the two of you know about. You can give each other a look and you know exactly what the other is thinking. It can be at a dinner party when someone else is babbling on and on, or out with friends or a family gathering. I have an expressive face and my ex-husband always knew when I was up to something. My eyes do not lie, ever. They would widen and I would smirk at him. I have perfected the smirk. He would nod and smile back. We just knew and we understood each other, we were thinking the same thing. I miss that connection, having your own private language.
This past weekend on Friday night I had a date, it went well. I had fun. Then ironically I stayed at my ex’s place (not the most recent or my ex-husband) instead of driving home. He lives in the same town as my date. We’ve actually become friends, cautiously. We talked about our recent breakups, both were short term, and how we missed them. How strange that we are able to discuss that with each other. He told me I need to just reach out to my guy and tell him. He said it sounds like he just needs time and maybe a little distance too. He’s trying that with his most recent ex, but also having a hard time doing it. When you are the one left behind it is definitely harder. It was all quite surreal having this conversation with him. We probably have one of the strangest relationships on the planet. We get each other, but have no interest in being a couple again. As I said, it’s all so strange but I’m at a different place with him and he with me.
Saturday I was out with friends that I have not seen in decades. It’s funny how we were able to pick back up like it was just yesterday that we saw each other. Acceptance, understanding. Why can’t that apply as easily with our relationships? Why can’t we just leave the bad behind and focus on the new and a fresh beginning. I’m not talking abusive bad, I’m talking something that can be worked through. Why must it be so complicated?
Then on Sunday I was out again with friends. I ended up having a long conversation with a guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend. He came over to our table and was flirting pretty heavily. He was a little, well maybe more than a little, high strung and animated, but pretty funny. Almost like the male version of me. He kept telling me I was beautiful and then he said any guy would be lucky to have me. I was flattered.After talking for a while he said if the guy you want back is not talking to you, then he doesn’t want you. But my guy hasn’t completely cut me off, yet. I just want so bad to talk to him, just that chance. It’s kind of funny, two perspectives from two guys who couldn’t be more different. One who knows me very well, my ex, and one who just met me. Whom do I believe? My gut says believe my ex. Or maybe that is just what I want to believe.
Back to juggling. I hate having to build connection after connection. Maybe it’s because I’m used to finding someone and being in a relationship and this past summer has been exhausting. Maybe it’s because I miss that deep connection and constantly having to talk about myself, what I like, dislike, etc. to someone new all the time. And this is from someone who has no problem socializing and pretty much has a PhD in flirting. But most of all I think it’s because I can’t break through the wall separating me from the guy I really want, and I miss.