Most of my adult life has consisted of being a part of a relationship, notably long term ones. This past summer has thrown me into a new stratosphere that I am not familiar with, the short term relationship. It has been a very strange new realm, one that I am not sure I even understand how to be a part of. I am relationship girl. I am the one who will do whatever it takes to make my relationships work. I am the one who is in it for the long haul. The one who is all in.
I was thinking the other day about the hurt you experience when you breakup, and the varying degrees of heartache and sadness involved. Is there a litmus test for how much you hurt for a long term relationship versus a short term one? My answer is no. My short term relationship at the beginning of this summer was surprisingly hard on me when he called it off. He never did actually tell me that he did not want to see me anymore, but his texts (yes texts) indicated otherwise. I really liked the guy and as I said in other blogs, I also fucked it up. Royally. I was surprised at the loss I felt when he walked away. It made me look at myself and my actions, my reactions. Was I just too needy and craving a relationship again?
After much thought and soul searching I have to say no. I was truly attracted to him. I liked him and could see us moving forward. I still think if things were different for us, his stressful issue and my recent issues, thrown in with a lot of understanding, on both our parts, we might have had a different ending. It was too new to shoulder all that stress so early. It hurt when I lost him and sometimes I questioned if I should be feeling that way after just a short time. But why not? If you enjoy being with someone and you feel a connection, shouldn’t you feel sad and let down when it doesn’t work out? And as I’ve said before, I would run back to him in a heartbeat if I had the chance. A do-over or at least a chance to talk to each other. We were polar opposites in some ways but not ways that we couldn’t make it work. I miss the heat of his kiss, his goodnight texts and good morning ones too. His intense eyes, his laughter, the way he touched my face, his touch. It was very physical. He teased me relentlessly, but I loved it. I was falling for him but he didn’t catch me.
The second short term relationship lasted three weeks. Three weeks! Again, I’m questioning why should it even matter? Funny thing with this guy is we had a connection too. We both spoke about it. It was if we knew each other for much longer. The comfort level was surreal, it shouldn’t have existed that quickly but it did. This one ended without any warning, at least to me. He wasn’t ready for a relationship, he was scared and he told me, but then he retracted, told me he was in it with me. He then disappeared after three weeks together. I felt a loss. I still miss talking to him, and getting texts from him too. He made me laugh and I crave laughter. We laughed together so hard one night that my abs hurt the next day. He told me he may have found his one compatible woman. I believed him even though I was trying to be cautious and take it slow. Although I still missed my other guy, I was willing to give him a chance. With him it was cerebral and physical too. We were a great match in so many ways.
Ironically, I had sat under the stars with both of them (no, not at the same time). A few times with the three month guy. I miss those nights, just the two of us, him looking at me like I was the only person in the world, kissing me, talking, laughing, holding hands, listening to music. It was so simple and just what I wanted. He was what I wanted. And once under the stars with the three week guy, on the beach, sitting in chairs, just simply talking about our lives and enjoying each others company.
One was passionate and made me laugh, one was cerebral and made me laugh harder than I have in a long time. The best of both worlds, two worlds that sadly I was not to be a part of.
Which brings me back to hurt and heartache. My long term relationships had reasons for ending. I cried and felt intense pain and healed. But they had reasons for their ending. I had closure. I had a chance to speak about how I was feeling, have conversations, show them my hurt. My short term ones ended differently. Both pulled away, one a slower fade, the other without warning. No real closure. No real conversations. No real chance to say my part or how I was feeling. It is a different type of loss, pain, heartache when that happens. The what ifs and whys eat at your brain and crush your soul. They are judge and jury in the court of love and you are the defendant, rendered helpless, with no lawyer to plead your case.
The common denominator in both of my short term relationships were that they brought out parts of me that I have not had exposed in a very long time. The girl who loves to laugh, be kissed passionately and challenged. Unfortunately it also brought out parts of me that I have never exposed until recently, insecure girl, overthinking girl. Past relationship stressors and current life stressors brought that girl out and I don’t like her very much. I’m slowly having confident girl kick the shit out of insecure girl and kick her to the curb.
I wish I could go back to those nights under the stars and feel that passion, have those conversations, feel the connections again. I miss them both in different ways. Maybe I was projecting, maybe they weren’t ready for someone like me, maybe it just wasn’t our time. I do know, that I was ready for them. I still think of my three month guy as the one who got away. I’m sure he has moved on to someone else, or maybe not just yet. I hold on to a small glimmer of hope, but that hope is fading fast.
But if they go away and don’t come back then it’s not meant to be, right? I guess that is true with any relationship, long term or short term. Time will pass, I know I will heal and start the process over again. Hopefully this time, I will have a different ending, perhaps happier or at the very least, given closure when it is no more.