So what does a girl do after a breakup? Hang out with friends? Yes. Drive friends crazy with your sob stories and scenarios? Yes. Drive friends to drink with your sob stories and scenarios? Yes. Sign up for a new dating site that is free? Yes, wait what?
It was a Saturday morning, I felt enough time had passed and for some reason I just decided to go for it. I wanted to try the online dating thing again, I had only done it very briefly in the past and this one was a free site that a good friend had told me about. Put up a picture and a simple profile and see if I am still marketable. Why not? Now I must say that my mind runs a mile a minute, never slows down, never rests and my mouth likes to blurt out things with total disregard to what my mind thinks. That is me. It is the crux of my existence. So against my better judgement I went ahead and created my profile. Only one picture and a small blurb. I figured most guys would pass it over for the women who post lots of shall we say, interesting photos and love to cook, walk on the beach, hold hands, kiss in the rain, etc. Needless to say many guys say that stuff too and I call bullshit and I’m also sure that after a month of wooing me by kissing me in the rain, we’ll be fighting over what to watch on Netflix and ordering pizza in. Wait a minute, I actually like that idea.
Much to my surprise, the messages and profile views starting pouring in. Was I just fresh meat? By the next morning I had close to 75 messages. Some were downright creepy, some were highly sexual but there was one guy who I had my eye on. This guy posted some jibberish that my researcher mind tried to figure out. I found it all quite funny and he was very easy on the eyes and lived closed by. I was intrigued. I’ll refer to him as The Scorpion. He is a Scorpio and little did I know how intense that sign is and the sting that they can inflict.
I think I messaged him first and he responded. We messaged a little, then exchanged numbers that same day and started talking the adult way – by text. I have to say though within three days he asked to call me. Can this really be happening? An adult conversation? On the phone? I am not normally nervous but for some reason I was. I’ve been out of the dating game for a while. Unfortunately, whether I am nervous, relaxed, tired, sane, insane, I talk, and talk and talk. I had to make a conscious effort to not scare him off with my incessant chattering. What a pleasant surprise to learn that he was very easy to talk to. Score! The conversation flowed and we made plans for lunch. Yes lunch, very traditional and safe. Also known as the online dating job interview.
On the morning of the lunch date, I was nervous. It had been a while since I was on a date and the what to wear dilemma was damn near driving me insane. It was lunch, how hard could that be? Well you can’t be too sexy, but can’t be too Amish either. Jeans, t-shirt? Boring. Skirt, heels? Probably not appropriate. And of course it didn’t help that I was off that day so I couldn’t even go dressed up and blame it on work. I honestly was so nervous that I didn’t even remember what I wore. And normally I am not nervous. I had a nice feeling about him and was actually looking forward to meeting him.
The Scorpion was very charming and sweet. He got there a little early and kissed me on the cheek with a quick hug. Adorable. One of the first things I noticed about him were his eyes. Hazel, intense. He looked exactly like his picture and was very handsome. He never took his eyes off me the whole time we talked. After being with someone who couldn’t put his phone down when we were out, this was a turn on and very welcome. Of course when it came to food, I learned he was vegetarian – another score – since I don’t eat red meat and rarely eat poultry. I chose salad, then I regretted it because all I kept picturing was salad getting stuck in my teeth. So I did the old not eat a lot which I hear many guys hate but really it was just a cosmetic thing. Ah the perils of first dates.
The conversation flowed easily, lunch turned into an almost two hour affair and finally he had to get back to work. He walked me out and gave me a quick kiss. And you know what? I couldn’t wait to see him again. I wanted more. I actually cancelled a date I had that night – yeah I know, shitty thing to do – but I just had no interest. And yes I got bitched out for that by that guy. Well deserved, but hey it’s about my happiness and I can’t kiss someone I’m not really interested in – been there, done that, won’t do it again. I texted The Scorpion and said it’s been so long since I had a real kiss, he said he would gladly take care of that next time.
We agreed to meet for our second date at a local place where we could sit outside and eat. Again the conversation flowed. I think he may have laughed at how much I talked and seemed interested in what I had to say or maybe he was just being polite, I don’t know, but we then we decided to go listen to some live music. Again, his focus was on me and those intense eyes sucked in my soul. All I kept thinking was I cannot wait to kiss this guy and let me say, he did not disappoint. Someone told me that Scorpio men are very intense and passionate and whoever said that is not lying. He didn’t kiss like he was giving me a tonsillectomy, he kissed softly, passionately, sexy. It is actually making my toes curl writing about this. I was completely turned on but kept saying in my head – slow down. But heart and libido trump head every single damn time.
We listened to the bands, who were quite bad and had us laughing, but honestly all I kept thinking was I just want to kiss him more. And for the first time in a very long time, I was having fun. I also had chills every time he kissed my neck. He kept his hand on my leg and I felt the electricity rush through me. Fun and attraction, what a great combination! After about 4 hours into our date, we decided to go home. As I drove him back home he had the pleasure of listening to my horrible singing and actually laughed with me, not at me, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It was a great date. As we kissed goodnight, I had a feeling there was something about this man that was mysterious but charming. I couldn’t wait to see him again and most of all kiss him again.
We met up quite a lot, texted pretty much every day and flirted endlessly. Of course, in the course of any relationship, there comes a point where reality sets in. Unfortunately this happened very quickly due to a personal issue that he was dealing with. As for me I was still dealing with some issues of my own from my previous relationship. It’s hard enough trying to figure each other out and get to know each other, but it’s even more difficult to have to deal with highly stressful situations at the same time. We all have baggage, we all have issues, we all have a past, and we all have expectations. Sometimes simple conversations can answer any questions but those conversations aren’t always easy to have when the relationship is new.
About two months in, I felt that The Scorpion started to retreat from me and the more he retreated the more I began to worry. Now leading up to said retreat we had spent more time together, had conversations that we were not seeing other people and I had the opportunity to meet his kids and we met each other’s friends. Many nights we sat outside, he kissed me and looked at me with an intensity that I cannot even describe. Oh and did I mention we had sex? Yes, passionate, glorious sex. Best. Sex. Ever. He is a master. The physical attraction was undeniable.
But as someone who likes to communicate and expects, perhaps mistakenly, that everyone else does when they have issues, I did not take to his retreating well. In my speed racer mind, a million plus scenarios would race back and forth. Did he meet someone else on that site? Did his kids hate me? (highly doubtful, we had fun) Or worst of all, did he just decide he didn’t like me. Of course my brain settled on the latter. Looking back I should have just realized that his stress was getting worse and so was mine. And then it began. The texts. No, not from him, from me. And they continued and continued and continued. Oh, and did I mention that I started to email him too? This is only a recent pattern of mine and I think it traces back to the insecurities I accumulated from my previous damaged relationship. I am also a natural born communicator and when communication is cut off, I can’t handle it. I don’t understand it. I need to talk things out, rationalize behavior, get answers. Once I started I could not stop. And the more I tried to stop it and change direction the worst it became. He had no problem showing his frustration, sometimes his words stung me pretty badly and in my mind I rationalized that his responses were due to the fact that he was under enormous stress. I needed answers, any answers and by the time I realized that I should have backed away it was too late.
The problem today with texting is you can’t take it back. If you have ever watched the movie Swingers, one of the funniest scenes is when actor Jon Favreau calls the number of a girl he just met and after her answering machine cuts him off it spirals into a hilarious scene of constant calls – which gets worse and worse the more he calls her back. This movie took place in the 90’s and fast forward today and that character is me, with ten fingers and a qwerty keyboard. If someone could invent an app that takes back your words or magically flags them before you send with a big old stop acting crazy banner, I would buy into that as would probably so many others. It would be worth any cost.
Did I mention that I did some other things that have turned out to be really poor judgement on my part? My very good friend’s husband, who I have referred to in a previous blog as Advice Husband, heard my version of something I did trying to win back The Scorpion and told me next time to please tell him my plans so he can stop me from being so, well, stupid! And this is why it is helpful to get a guy’s point of view. They tell it like it is – no bullshit. I contacted The Scorpion’s friend, who I had become friendly with and reached out for advice. The Scorpion did not appreciate this maneuver at all. What made is worse is that I met his friend in person and The Scorpion found out,he asked me about it, by text. I would have told him if I had the chance to, in person, but because I did not tell him immediately by text, he labeled me as dishonest. I touched on all of this in my previous blog – Words Can Cut Like a Knife. I didn’t want to tell him by text because I was afraid of his reaction, I communicate better in person. I felt the sting of The Scorpion’s words when called me dishonest. It was the furthest thing from the truth, and even today, he still won’t budge and says I was wrong to not tell him. Unfortunately, my dishonesty painted me in a bad light and sometimes the lighting cannot be adjusted no matter how hard you try, even if your intentions were good and from the heart. Funny thing is I told my ex, The Complicated One, about my dishonest label and even he was surprised by the comment.
Sadly, I think the chapter with The Scorpion is finished. I was hopeful that it wasn’t, but he still is upset with me. He claims it is not anger but I’m not so sure, his texts have been sharp and biting at times and I’ve pretty much backed off. I have apologized repeatedly and tried to move past the dishonesty issue, but he won’t. I’m hoping in time, it all calms down and maybe we talk. He is a good guy. As for me, I acted without thinking and texted without thinking – two deadly combinations. At work I am very calculated and thoughtful and plan carefully. In real life, my insecurity kicks in and I react. But in my defense, I never had the opportunity to talk to him in person and I still wonder if he would have a harder time staying away if he actually talked to me.
Which leads me to the problem with modern dating and society in general, we are too accessible and the minute someone is inaccessible, we cannot understand why that person won’t get back to us. I needed answers and dammit I was not getting any and I unfortunately in the process pushed him over the edge. Now I am not the only one to blame in this relationship, in a way he is too. I believed that he wanted to be with me and I opened my heart.
I’ve extended an olive branch for him to grab but sadly he has not reached out to take it. We still talk a little here and there, actually only when I reach out, but it usually doesn’t add up to much. Most people I have spoken with, male and female, say I really didn’t do anything wrong, but they have an edge in knowing who I am and how I would never intentionally lie or hurt anyone. However, they all agree that my texting was out of control.
Sometimes I wonder if he was just protecting me from the stress he was under, but so much was left unsaid and that bothers me the most. I still think he is one of the sexiest, most intense men I have ever met and maybe that made me overlook everything else. We spent close to three months together and it was intense, passionate, challenging, fun and complicated.
I’ve been blogging for two months about my experiences and funny thing is my ex-husband has been my biggest champion and follows me. It’s strange how that all worked out. I have no interest in getting back with him, but we somehow have become good friends. He once told me – I’m easy to let go but hard to forget. I just wish I wasn’t so easy to let go, and for once I wish someone would fight just a little harder to keep me.
As for my dating profile, which I recently put back up again, the messages have been pouring in, maybe because I am thinner than ever, blonder or once again, fresh meat. I don’t regret the time I spent with The Scorpion and some days I still miss him. He made me believe that I could be happy again, after being in a difficult and emotionally abusive relationship for so long and also feel so sexy, even if was just for a moment in time. He is probably the only guy I would consider having a relationship with again, even if just for the benefits, if you know what I mean.