“You can say baby, can I hold you tonight, maybe if I told you the right words at the right time, you’d be mine” Tracy Chapman, Baby Hold Me Tonight
One of my favorite radio stations does a playlist every morning with a theme and today’s theme were songs that say “I’m sorry.” Of course, this has also been the theme to my life the past few weeks. It was as if the Universe was saying I hear you and I understand that you are sorry. I’m hoping that the person I really want to have heard it knows I am sorry, but most of all I am hoping that he forgives me too.
On the flip side I have also been very forgiving lately, which is harder to do. To actually forgive someone who has hurt your heart, literally torn it out of your chest, is one of the hardest things to do. And you can’t lie about forgiveness. You can say I’m sorry and not really mean it to get what you want. Everyone says it at one time or another. But to forgive someone and actually mean it is so very hard to do. If you say “I forgive you” but you don’t mean it, you won’t feel it in your soul and the release and peace that follows when you do.
I had to forgive someone who wronged me and broke my heart. He hurt me beyond words but I know the root of all his actions are his issues. They are a reflection of him, not me. Forgiving him has taken everything I have in me, because I know he may hurt me again. He knows I have forgiven him, I told him last time we saw each other and he thanked me for saying those words. It brought him peace as well.
Since I told him I forgive him, the hating has stopped, on my part. Realize I said hating, not hurting. I never hated him as a person, but I hated how he treated me, his actions. His actions have caused me tremendous stress, debilitating stress. The mental toll it took on me permeated a new relationship which has since been ruined by my actions as well. I knew it was time to move past the hate, release the power it had over me and forgive him. It will take a while for the true pain of it all to go away. A very long time and time is not guaranteed in this world. How long we hurt and live with that hurt, is not a choice as some might believe. I don’t agree that you can decide how to deal with your hurt. It hits you at different times and different levels depending on what memory or situation may be triggering it. Hurt can be debilitating, heartbreaking, paralyzing. Only time will heal that pain, that hurt. One day you just feel a little better and then another day maybe a little less hurt, until one day it is manageable. And that is when true forgiveness and healing can begin.
This same Ex recently told me he was not sure if he ever really loved me. It was probably one of the most hurtful things he has said to me, but then again, wasn’t he just being honest for saying how he feels? I pushed him to tell me why I wasn’t enough. And then I got my answer, as brutal and painful as it was. He retracted the next time I saw him, but I didn’t believe his edit. Once you start retracting is it just an effort in satisficing? Or do we really mean it? Since I have now forgiven him, those words don’t mean as much to me anymore. I can’t give his words such power over me.
“Words don’t come easily, like forgive me” Tracy Chapman, Baby Can I Hold Tonight
And now ironically I am waiting for my most recent ex to forgive me. I have said I am sorry to him a thousand times, but he won’t move past my action. I know in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong, but right now he cannot be convinced of that and I cannot force him to accept and forgive. I am hoping that in time, he will release his anger, if that’s what it really is, and forgive me.
Don’t just say you are sorry, say I forgive you. When you are ready. Even if the person has never asked for it. Holding hatred and anger in your heart doesn’t make you stronger, in fact, it does the exact opposite. It makes you weaker and weighs you down. Hatred can consume you, rule the thoughts in your brain and the reactions that follow. Instead release it, let it go, no matter how hard it may seem to do. Just say it, out loud to yourself, or if you can, to the person who hurt you, but only when you really can mean it. Then be prepared for the true healing to begin.