Dishonest: behaving or prone to behave in an untrustworthy or fraudulent way. Intended to mislead or cheat.
I was recently labeled as dishonest by someone I was becoming closer to in my life. To say that it cut me to the core to hear that word used against me is an understatement. I can honestly say I’ve never been labeled as dishonest by anyone in my life. The word stung me more than a swarm of killer bees. I haven’t had a chance to defend myself, to say what I was going to say, in person. I was labeled, and it hurt. Part of me hopes that he did not really mean what he was saying. Maybe it was the stress permeating both of our lives that made him lash out at me with that word and me at him with my follow-up texts. I’m not trying to make excuses or am I? He meant those words at that time. The thing with words, once you say them, or text them, you cannot take them back. It is out there for the taking and of course the hurting.
I wish there was a way to go back in time – erase hurtful words and the actions that caused them. Hit the rewind button. Maybe learn the lesson and then get a redo to make it right. But we don’t get a redo in life – we just have to move on and learn from it, sometimes over and over again. If you’re lucky you can get a chance to start a new chapter in the relationship, freshly armed with the knowledge of what your partner likes and dislikes. Other times the book of your time together is banned and burned, erased from your life by your partner.
With this guy I made a mistake, by not alerting him immediately of what I had done, something that right now is unforgivable in his eyes. Our time together was still new. We were still learning about each other. I’m impulsive, put my feelings out there, he is more reserved and takes it all in. I never had someone who challenged me this way. We were both dealing with some very stressful situations. I had been through emotional hell with my previous relationship. Unfortunately I was not patient enough with the progression of this relationship and at times I tested his patience. My personality is usually pretty easy going, I can put up with a lot and I have in the past. I tried to not project the insecurity of the emotionally abusive treatment from my last relationship and let it invade this one, but I think past relationships have a way of creeping into new ones. As the stress mounted in both our lives, understanding slipped away. Highly stressful situations can ruin the strongest of relationships, newer ones don’t even stand a chance.
I should have been upfront and trusted the process. I was afraid to tell him by text because I thought he would react badly and I’d lose him. By telling him in person I hoped he would see the regret in my eyes and hear it in my voice. But by not telling him by text, the same outcome happened. I wish texting was never invented, and this is from a certifiable over-texter.
Why do we expect perfection, when we are all guilty of making mistakes? No one is perfect, no one. Assumptions hurt, accusations hurt, words hurt. They can knock the breath out of you. But once they are said to you, they are out there for you to digest, feel and deal with the repercussions.
People who know me understand my behavior, my reasoning for what I did. But they have the advantage of knowing me, how big my heart is, how open I am to forgiving and accepting. I have a tendency to look beyond people’s faults and mistakes and accept them. I truly see the good in everyone and maybe that is my downfall because I expect the same.
Forgiveness and healing takes understanding and acceptance but most of all it takes time. Time for him to realize that I only had good intentions and time for the dust to settle in his life and mine as well. Time to allow us to have a conversation when he is ready to understand my actions. Time. Sometimes time is all we have and in this situation time is all I have. And I hope it will heal things between us, but I know in my heart I probably have lost him for good. He has shut down all communication with me and that is more painful than anyone can imagine. But a small piece of me keeps holding on, knowing he is a good guy and maybe he will one day see that I am also a good person, not dishonest, just a little insecure and scared.
Lesson learned, a very painful lesson.