Deep sigh of relief

via Daily Prompt: Relieved

I have finally reached a point in my new/old relationship where I am not worried and questioning every little thing. It is a nice place to be and it took a long time to get here. To say we had a great couple of days together celebrating my birthday is an understatement. Sometimes when things are new (in my case it’s not really new but it is) you may worry about how things will go the longer you spend time together. Will he get sick of me? You start to see the real the more time together. We spent pretty much every hour of every day together since last Wednesday and I have to say the time flew by. I have said this before and I mean it – I  have never laughed with anyone as hard as I do with him. To be able to spend two hours in bed with someone, just talking and laughing is priceless.

The best part is we are building memories, together. I have written about how I missed being in a relationship where you have your own language, something you say elicits laughter and only you two know about it. We have that, and it is great fun.

But of course it is not always fun and games too. My Mom had to go back to her doctor for a further procedure to remove the melanoma on her face. I was pretty upset by it on Friday, it is tough dealing with cancer and having three family members with it is draining, emotionally. My guy did his best to listen and just be there. The next morning he asked  me if I was doing okay. That is the sign of a supportive partner and meant the world to me. No blaming or not understanding that with a relationship comes life problems too. We talked about it. We are realists. I once had a guy who expected perfection from me, no drama (I hate that word), quite ironic when his own life was fucked up. Not my guy, he is caring and understanding. Being able to just be myself around him and not have to watch what I say or how I feel is the way it should be. I am relieved that I can just be me, and he can just be him. Not perfect, but human. And it feels good, really, really good.

Happy Monday everyone.


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It’s my birthday!

I am a Gemini and if you know anything about Geminis we are all about wanting to be in the spotlight 🙂 so of course I had to promote my birthday today!

Actually, I was never one for gifts – spending time with me is what I cherish. I have been blessed with friends that I call family. They are my rocks, my steel, my backbone, the loves of my life.

I woke up this morning to texts, posts, tweets and they all touch my heart. I have been through a lot the past year. Last year my birthday wasn’t so great. Instead of enjoying it I was stressing over situations and persons that I should not have been stressing over. This year it is all so different. I am different, yet still the same. A stronger version of me.

I had a wonderful dinner with two of my greatest friends last night. I couldn’t imagine my life without them in it. I’m lucky that I can say that about a lot of the people in my life – so many friendships that I cherish. The best gifts I could ever receive.

Tonight I am spending it with a guy that has won my heart. He is planning a special evening for just the two of us. He doesn’t make me wonder if I will see him or hear from him – he makes the effort. He is present and he wants to be, with me. I don’t have to ask. We have begun to talk about the future. It doesn’t scare me anymore, nor him either.  But we also enjoy the small moments together too. He knows it is not about presents or big parties or making a public show of how he feels – it is about time together. Always has been, always will be. We both said that we feel lucky to have found each other, again.

My life hasn’t been easy or perfect but I do feel lucky and blessed and most of all grateful for the people in it and who I am too. And that is the greatest gift I could ever hope for.

And thank you to everyone who reads, follows, comments, advises, and supports me and my blog – what a wonderful community to be a part of!




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Turn down the negative

via Daily Prompt: Volume

There was a time not so long ago that negative thoughts and negative situations were at full capacity in my heart and my head. It took time to turn down the volume and enjoy the silence and peace that now exists. Every so often those thoughts come back and try to disrupt my life. But I won’t let them.

Now, I hear the volume of my guy’s laughter mixed with mine, his sweet words, and his great sense of humor. That is “noise” that will always be welcome, no matter how loud the volume. I can’t express enough how good it feels to be with someone who is present and doesn’t play blame games and make me feel as if I have to fight for him or his attention. Even if it all imploded tomorrow (I’m confident it won’t) I have finally realized again what it is like to be treated like you exist and matter.

Happy Monday everyone! Stay positive and stay strong.


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My perfectly imperfect life

via Daily Prompt: Natty

I took a small break from writing. I have a lot going on in my personal life and as always, my career which in and of itself involves a lot of writing as well. I now have three family members with cancer, my mom was just diagnosed with melanoma but it was caught early and the doctors believe treatable. If you follow me you know that my Dad has bladder cancer – he goes back for his followup and we are staying positive that it is gone. My sister has a non-curable form of leukemia but her cancer is slow moving, exhausting and will be treatable when it comes to that point, just not curable. But they are all still here, doing okay and I am okay and all I can do is be strong and hope for the best for all of them.

It is very strange being in a healthy, normal relationship again. It has been a very long time for me to experience this. I think the last time I did was during my marriage and even though that didn’t work out, it was overall,  just normal and right, at the time.

Is the guy I’m with perfect? Absolutely not, but he is perfect for me. We get each other. Is it natty and drama free? Pretty much. There was a slight hiccup, but that was dealt with, in a very adult fashion – no hiding, blaming, arguing – just talking it out and to now say that things are better than ever would be an understatement. I laugh more than I ever had with anyone, we talk, we support each other, we love music, cooking together, are making plans to travel. I am wildly attracted to him and him to me. If I sound like I am gushing, I am and believe me, I am a realist too and I have to say my reality is pretty good right now.

I have always said you should accept the person you are with, issues and all. And while I still believe that to be true, you need to deal with your own insecurities and issues before you can expect anyone else to as well. If someone is self-destructing, blaming you for everything that goes wrong, mean, nasty, etc. then you need to walk away. I’ve been down the path of someone’s destructive behavior and it is not healthy and I refuse to play the part of fixer or tolerate that behavior anymore. Sometimes I read back on my previous blogs and I do not recognize the person behind the words, begging to forgiven for things that honestly I had no reason to be contrite for. But it is my past and recognizing it has made me stronger and confident in myself and who I am. Just because I am empathetic does not mean I will be someone’s doormat, nope, never again. Fix yourself before you blame anyone else for your shitty behavior.

Time and lots of hard work on my part have transformed me back into the person I was and it has allowed me to be part of healthy relationship. Him too. He was in a bad place and so was I when we met late last summer. Bad timing for both of us. The important thing is that we recognize that and we have dealt with it. Doing so has made both of us stronger and much more appreciative of each other. It’s amazing what time and some serious self-reflection will do. I am thankful that we found each other again. And I can say with certainty that he is too.



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Just a sliver?

via Daily Prompt: Portion

There are portions of my heart that I may not want to give out just yet. The vulnerable piece, the trusting piece, the loving piece. There was a time that I would give out those pieces easily but time and wounds have made me a little more cautious. Trust must come first and it must be earned. Once trust happens everything else falls into place. Right now you can have a small piece of each, a sliver, and in time I trust you will earn all of me and treat each piece of me as if it was the best thing you ever had. But first I have to trust myself.


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How do I get over that wall?

via Daily Prompt: Catapult

So as things are going better than ever in my new/old relationship how do I catapult over that wall of fear that still haunts me? My brain and heart are always in a constant battle.

Brain: be careful, he might change his mind, don’t get too attached.

Heart: too late – you’re already hooked, just give in.

Brain: no I’m not already hooked, hold back, be realistic – you know how this always ends for you.

Heart: oh please, just give in already, when have you ever been one to hold back how you feel?

Maybe I should just trust my gut, my instincts are usually right. It’s telling me that it will all be okay and if it isn’t I’m strong enough to deal with that outcome too. But this time I’m hopeful….and happy.





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I Feel The Earth Move — 2 Traveling Dogs

What a beautiful post from a blog that I love to follow – our pets provide us so much comfort and love when we need it most. Their journey and the reason why they are traveling across the U.S. is to raise awareness of shelter dogs. Give them a like and a follow and of course, a thank you. And that first photo  – tugs at my heart and soul.

You probably know that Girl Person has always had something called depression. I know what it is, because I have it too…because I have whatever Girl Person has. It’s just the way we roll.

via I Feel The Earth Move — 2 Traveling Dogs

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And out of darkness

via Daily Prompt: Descend

Life has been going so good lately. It scares me. All that I have known the past couple of years have been some highs and very low lows. It’s downright frightening that everything has fallen into place after so much heartache and chaos the past couple of months. Family illnesses are holding steady – no bad news on that front only normalcy. My sibling still has cancer but it has not progressed and although she is still battling and exhausted she is doing okay. We find out if my Dad’s cancer is in remission in another month. He has been feeling really good too.

Work is going great. Busier than ever, but I love what I do and whom I work for. This time last year I was fighting to keep this position, at the time it was supposed to only be a temporary placement after I was let go due from my old job to budgetary reasons. Funny how with some persistence and patience, and of course busting my ass to prove myself, it has paid off.

And for the big one – my new/old relationship is going better than I ever thought. We are spending the weekend at his home away from home, his beach house, and after meeting friends of his and spending lots of time together, I am feeling more secure and happier in a relationship in a very long time. My guard has come crumbling down, well almost, but I’m getting there. Although I have been in many long term relationships this one feels like my older ones – normal, unlike the unstable and tumultuous ones of recent. He stimulates my mind, my heart and well, everything else too. We are good for each other, in many ways, and I am beyond happy that we found our way back to each other. It is what I deserve.

Maybe this is how it was all supposed to work out. When you descend into darkness you are tested  and I know now I will always pass the test to make it back into the light. And when you come back up, you appreciate who you are and what you deserve. And that is one lesson I will never forget.


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Jumping in with both eyes open

via Daily Prompt: Precipice

As I have written previously, the past few weeks have brought a change in my life that has been a surprise, but a really welcome surprise. As I stand at the precipice of my new/old relationship those damn voices in my head are constantly asking me – should I jump all in or hold back in fear of having my heart broken again? I know we work together as a couple, it is better than ever the second time around, but there is that new fear that something is going to happen and pull the rug of relationship happiness out from under me again. I never had this issue of being fearful in a relationship before, but experience and a shitty couple of years will do that to you.

After spending a day off yesterday in beautiful weather with our toes in the sand eating lunch on the beach, I’m edging so close to just taking the leap. The more time we spend together, the more comfortable I am feeling. Not necessarily comfortable with him, I have that already, but more secure in our relationship. He’s given me no indications that he isn’t in it with me, it is my own mind playing with my thoughts.

I guess I need to trust myself most of all and the decisions I make. Take the leap, but keep both eyes open this time.


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