What a Difference a Year Makes

via Daily Prompt: Meaningless

It has been almost a year since The Complicated One and I broke up and he moved out. We still talk and catch up with each other pretty regularly. It is not meaningless drivel but more of a deep care about each other. At least I’d like to think so. Any romantic feelings have been long gone and we are able to be friends and see each other through a different lens.

After we broke up, my life began to spiral for quite a long time. We had been arguing for so long and we were never really on the same page about our relationship, at least he was not. We lived together for eighteen months and our breakup crushed me. We had some really good times but some really bad times too. He isn’t a bad person, he just never chose me and chose a lifestyle that he never wanted to include me in either. I know the guy that many of his friends do not. And I still believe I am one of the few genuine people in his life. I learned some hard lessons being with him and I lost myself after we broke up and I think I lost myself a little too while we were together. But I have come back stronger and wiser.

As I have said in previous blogs I think we will always be connected in some way. This time though it does not involve pain and heartache. It involves friendship, sometimes it’s a little strange, sometimes a little more normal, but it is ours. Not everyone understands, sometimes I don’t even understand how we managed to salvage a friendship but we did. I think it may be because I finally realized what I can handle and expect and it is on my terms too, not just his, and that has made all the difference.

#dailyprompt

 

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You are good enough

via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

acceptance

Today’s daily prompt is definitely challenging for me, not because I can’t think of what to write regarding the word acceptance, it is because I have so much to say on the subject. My blog journey has highlighted acceptance many times. I thought of reblogging one of my favorite older posts regarding accepting your partners past and flaws. I have written so much about acceptance and forgiveness I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but it  has been a tough journey at times to get to a place of peace. I finally realized and have written about my true worth. I questioned it the past year and looking back I understand why, but I will no longer allow myself to not see me for the great person I am. Sounds a little selfish, maybe a little conceited? Nope, it sounds confident to me.

We all need to realize we are worth it, even when we feel like we are not. Don’t let anyone diminish who you are. If anyone labels you as over-emotional, crazy, weak, or worse, walk away. I can guarantee whomever is labeling you with hurtful words is not happy with his or her self and is projecting their insecurities on you.

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With time and healing has come acceptance of who I am. I am flawed. I have insecurities. I cry easily, and am outspoken. I laugh loud, have a wicked sense of humor and love hard. As I always say there are days that I still get down, get a little angry at myself and don’t make the smartest of decisions. But that’s okay. I am not perfect, I am me, and I am good enough. Don’t let anyone define you or try to tell you who you are. They are not the boss of you, you are.

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When you have what you feel is a string of bad luck, or feel like life is never going to get better, just keep going. Claw your way back up, ask for help, yell, scream, cry, do whatever you need to do to get back up. And then look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth it. Forgive and accept yourself first, always. Once you do, you will wonder why you even questioned your worth at all.

#dailyprompt

 

 

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Don’t Label Me

via Daily Prompt: Label

label

Don’t label me as weak because I cry.

Don’t label me as wounded because I have issues.

Don’t label me as emotional because I feel.

Don’t label me as broken because sometimes I break down.

I don’t need your labels, I just need understanding. In fact, we all do. Stop labeling others and worry about your own side of the street. Make sure it is clean before you judge anyone else.

#dailyprompt

 

 

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Wow

What a sweet surprise. Thank you all for following, commenting and being part of my journey.

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A Breakup that Feels Good!

via Daily Prompt: Luck

luck

Lately I feel as if my luck has changed or maybe the universe is finally listening to me and what I have been asking for. After a horrible 2016 and my summer of shit, things are slowly starting to fall into place for me. Yes, there are still family illnesses, but everyone is holding steady, for now. My job is absolutely kicking my ass with the workload, but I love what I do.

But the real kicker, my love life is on a happy, steady path. I’m currently in unfamiliar territory, at least for the past few years. I lost who I was and let some crappy relationships suck the soul and life out of me, at least temporarily. I doubt my ex-husband would have even recognized the woman I was last summer. I don’t mean physically, I mean emotionally. This past summer changed me, not for the better. I was too needy, too sad, too deflated. I had no fight in me, I allowed myself to take blame for things that I should not have. But I have me back, the real me. I will always still be the woman who cries easily, loves hard and will try to save everyone around me. But I am now my priority. I am outgoing, emotional and will say what I feel, that won’t change. But I have also gotten my badass self back too. The woman who does not let a man define her or dictate who she should be or put up with bullshit to keep the peace.

My luck changed when I took a good hard look at who I was and realized what I needed to do to get myself back. It took work, lots of it. I still have days that exhaust me, but they don’t defeat me.

I also feel like I have hit the love jackpot. Finally, a man who accepts that we have issues, individual ones, and accepts who I am and I accept who he is. We get along well, in every way. It hasn’t been an easy road to get here, but he did not give up, I did not give up. I’m still guarded, I think my heart will be for a while, his is too, but when you fight for each other and accept each other, but most of all have understanding for each other and what you have both been through, the possibilities are endless.

So bad luck I am officially breaking up with you. Don’t worry, you will be okay, I’m sure you will sneak back in now and then and try to win me back. I won’t give in though, not anymore. And just remember it’s me, not you.

#dailyprompt

 

 

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Scarred but not broken

via Daily Prompt: Massive

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My scars do not define me. They are there and I wear them, not as a badge of honor, but as reminder that I can fight whatever may come my way. I am not speaking of my physical scars but the ones that are not visible to anyone else, unless I show them. We all have these scars. They are left there by battles that we fight, sometimes with others, sometimes alone. That massive hole in your heart that you feel will never be filled or be repaired, will be, eventually. And when it does, there may be scars left in the wound’s place but they will not define you either, but serve as a reminder of all you have endured and conquered. And you will be stronger for it and ready for the next battle.

#dailyprompt

 

 

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Don’t live for the pain

via Daily Prompt: Immerse

Pain associated with a breakup has the ability to consume our thoughts and lives. The person left behind is often left shattered and heartbroken. Some days you feel as if you can’t even get out of bed and face the day. But you do. It may not be easy at first, but slowly you feel better. You immerse yourself in the pain of the loss, but you need to also immerse yourself in the beauty of you. Another person cannot break you, it may feel like they have because they have left, but do not give them that power. It is your life and you have a choice of how you want to live it, not have it defined by another person, who didn’t choose you.

Don’t live for the pain, live for the rising after it passes.

#dailyprompt

 

 

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Are you ready? Really?

via Daily Prompt: Murmuration

lonely

I was speaking with a close friend the other day who is going through a tough breakup. I have been in her shoes, our exes are quite alike in many ways. My heart is breaking for her right now, I hate seeing anyone in pain, especially someone who is hurting over a person that has not given her his all. She deserves to be cherished and loved and I want her to experience it with someone who is worthy of her love. But she is not at that point yet. She needs to heal and be confident in her own self. She will get there, she is stronger than she realizes. We all get there eventually, heartbreak doesn’t last forever, eventually clarity sneaks in and opens your eyes, and your heart.

Speaking with her over the past few days made me realize quite a few things about myself as well. One of my most difficult and draining relationships was with a man that I met at my most vulnerable time in my life. We lasted 18 months of living together and us getting together happened a few months after my ex-fiance and I broke up. I thought I was healed but in hindsight I was not. He filled a void but he did not fill my heart. I wanted to make it work so badly, but he didn’t. The bad times outweighed the good. I would have a few good days with him, then he would do something that caused me stress or sadness. It was a roller coaster of constant ups and downs. After he moved out, I met someone else. I felt ready but in hindsight I was not completely ready. I hung on too tightly and hoped and projected for something that was not ready to be. Too fast, too soon. It imploded badly.

I asked my friend the question – do you miss him because you are lonely or because you miss him? If he has shown you a side that makes you question being with him, why would you want him back? As I asked the questions I also thought about how I would have answered months ago. A murmuration of thoughts swirled in my head. Now that I can look back, I know exactly why I wanted my ex back who I, and my friends, knew was not good for me or my mental health. I don’t think I actually missed him. After much thought I knew that my real reasons were I hated being alone, I was scared I’d never find anyone again, I was terrified of having my heart broken, again. Those reasons are not valid to seek a new relationship or to stay in one where you are compromising your own happiness. I had to move on and silence the voices within my head that kept telling me that you will never find love again. I had to realize that I am worth more and I deserve better than what he was giving me. It was a tough process, with a lot of self-reflection, but I got there. I realize more than ever what I want  and deserve but most of all I know my self-worth and my confidence has returned.

You cannot give your best in a relationship if you are getting into it because you are lonely or scared of being alone. Jumping into another relationship immediately is like putting a tiny band-aid on a large wound. It will only stop a little of the bleeding. Everyone has a different time frame for healing, some take weeks, while others take years. Only you know when you are ready, not when anyone tells you that you are.  Just make sure you are truly ready. Ask yourself the hard questions.

My current relationship moved forward at a snails pace and in ways it still is. But I’m okay with that. Circumstances forced it to start slow, but I’m happy that it did. We really took time to get to know each other. And now I am ready and so is he. I’m not sure where we are going but for once I am not projecting and just appreciating the here and now, and that is exactly where I want to be.

#dailyprompt

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Break the pattern

via Daily Prompt: Pattern

pattern

It is not always easy to see someone for who they really are when you are in the throes of heartbreak. You miss them, long for them, and your heart aches. But if that person was meant to be in your life, they would be there, supporting you and loving you.

Break the pattern of giving people who don’t give a shit about you or your feelings space in your head. But most of all don’t give them space in your heart, that part of you is sacred and should only be occupied by someone who will protect it, not crush it.

It’s not easy, but when you find the person who deserves to be there, you will wonder why you rented out that space so cheaply and easily.

#dailyprompt

 

 

 

 

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Abstract Love, Concrete Sex

via Daily Prompt: Abstract

Love changes over time. We meet someone, we may feel a little something, as time goes on it changes, either the feelings disappear or they grow deeper. Love is abstract.

Sex, on the other hand, is concrete. It’s physical, it happens in the moment, the here and now. You don’t have to be in love to have sex, heck, you don’t even have to be in like either.

Hopefully the worlds of concrete and abstract will eventually collide and you will have a perfect combination of both. Great sex and deep love don’t always last, but when they happen it feels good, really, really good.

#dailyprompt

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