Quotes and Heartache

I read these quotes today and they really hit home.
It’s been a tough few days for me. I haven’t had the time or the inclination to write. As usual classes are keeping me busy, exhausting me actually, as is work. But it’s those moments at night when I think about him and miss him so much. I look at my phone and miss hearing from him. I know I shouldn’t miss him. I also know people close to me don’t understand it. No one is more confused than I am. But I’m the one going through it. We all need to stop projecting our own thoughts on someone who is grieving a loss. I’ve done it, we all have done it. How about I’m sorry you’re going through this and it will get better. That goes a long way.
breakup
I’ve cried more than I should, but it’s been hard not to right now. I know I’ll eventually be okay, I always am. It just sucks…and hurts, a lot.
“I learned that writing is the consolation prize you are given when you don’t get the thing you want the most.”
– Lang Leav, Sad Girls
“Breathing is hard. When you cry so much, it makes you realize that breathing is hard.”
– David Levithan, Love is the Higher Love
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Stats and relationships?

via Daily Prompt: Superficial

The first chapter of my survey research book had a statement in it that I wrote down on a sticky note and put on my fridge. Who would think that a book that encompasses statistics, survey research and mathematical formulas (ugh) can possibly have any insight about relationships? This one phrase did it for me –

Superficial relationships yield superficial results

When I read it I had to stop and think about it. Such a true simple statement. If someone’s intentions are not genuine, whether romantic love or friendship, it will not last or yield the results you want. You both lose.

I had a guy in my life who told me what I wanted to hear instead of just being truthful. And it ended badly because our expectations were not in the same place. Now that we are just friends we have grown closer, as friends. Funny how honesty will do that.

Stringing someone along and being afraid to say what you are feeling is not protecting the person you are in a relationship with, it is doing more damage than you think. It’s not easy being honest with someone when you know you may be hurting them, but if you are not honest with your intentions from the beginning then you will hurt them even worse than you think as time goes on.

Be honest, be truthful but be compassionate too. And don’t be superficial. Live by this statement instead:

Real relationships yield real results

Happy Sunday everyone. Best wishes for a great week ahead. xo

#dailyprompt

 

 

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Busy, busy, busy

It has been a while since I’ve written a post. My life has been incredibly busy with work and school. I’ve taken a step back as far as relationships too. I don’t have anything new happening on that front. I miss a certain person in my life, I honestly don’t know what happened and I may never know. We’ve had no closure, but I had to step away and just let it be. And I shouldn’t have to do that so I am acting as if it is over – it most likely is and I deserve better behavior than that.

I love my classes but the work load is immense. I love my job but the work load for that is immense as well. I’m launching a huge initiative for my job and working on another big project and my time is spent in meetings and writing/researching. My time for classes is spent researching and writing as well. So writing for my blog has taken a temporary back seat, for now. I have also become that I don’t have time for a relationship woman.

Do I miss having someone special to come home to, or at least call and share my day with? Of course I do. That is the hardest part for me, especially the nighttime. Some days it crushes me, most days I’m okay. It will happen again eventually, with someone who deserves me. But right now school and work is my priority. And me – I’m my own priority right now. As my friend told me the other day – you need to be kinder to yourself. And she is right – I have been beating myself up about my relationships and all that has happened the past few months (years actually). It is time I start making sure that I am okay and lately I have not been okay. I am struggling with some real bad emotions and working through them as best as I can. I know I will be okay, in time.

And I know I will be in love again, in time, and with someone who will appreciate me and all that I give.

 

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Protect Your Heart

Most times the second and third chances we give those who have hurt us eventually leads to more pain. Be careful who you let back into your life.

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Book Review#4 ‘The Subtle Art of NOT Giving A Fuck’ by Mark Manson

I am ordering this book today, recommendation from a fellow blogger.

LIVING AND LEARNING

Okay, let me just go straight to the point.

I don’t usually go for self help books cause to me they are all the same! Smile more, love more, hate less, don’t give up, it’s gonna be okay, it’s all in your head. Blah blah blah…. but this one was the exception. Anything with curse words on the cover picks my interest 😛 The first half of it was my favorite.

It made me rethink all the times I ever gave a fuck over some of the most irrelevant things in hindsight. It made me realize that it’s sometimes necessary to take a step back and re-evaluate why I think so-and-so on a daily basis.

I also wrote down a lot of Mark Manson’s writing into my notes because I knew I would need it in the near future. Here’s a few pieces that helped me and then some:

1.

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Surf’s Up

via Daily Prompt: Irrelevant

The past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection on what I want and need. I had a little time to write last weekend about how I am feeling at the moment. I wrote this after spending the day at the beach last weekend, alone. I’ve been pressed for the time the past few weeks due to school to keep up with my blog.

It was a perfect late summer day here at the Jersey shore. I love this time of year. The humidity is down, the crowds are smaller and there is a peacefulness that comes with being so close to the water. Surprisingly for what started out as a cloudy day there were quite a few people on the beach. I brought reading with me from my class but ended up being easily distracted by the sights and sounds around me. I love the water, the beach, the sun, the sand. I feel like I belong here. The sun came out and I ended up watching the surfers trying to tackle the waves. I learned to surf decades ago, but I was always so bad at it. I could get up then I’d fall, but it didn’t stop me from trying, kind of like my life.

The past few years, actually most of my adult life, have been pretty heartbreaking and elusive when it comes to finding stable, permanent love. I’ve been in love and I’ve had some pretty great men in and out of my life, but the key phrase here is out of my life.

Everyone has opinions as to why love has eluded me for so long. Are their opinions irrelevant? No. But no one, I repeat no one, has walked in my shoes or experienced what I have first-hand. I’ve been told I rush love, or maybe I fall too hard, too fast, among other observations. I respect everyone’s opinion but they are not me. They only see my heartbreak on the outside and see me cry. I have friends who stay in bad relationships or forgive some of the worst behavior, but those are their stories too and they have their reasons for choosing those relationships. No one really knows what goes on inside someone or between two people. Some of us put up walls and don’t talk about it. Others talk strong even when they are breaking down inside. Some of us just settle and hope for the best. I tend to share my feelings and write about them. I am not weak or dislike myself, I am human and I don’t hide how I feel. But it does not make anyone an expert on me, heck I’m not even an expert on me. Advice is helpful, but support goes a long way.

I know we all want the basics when it comes to relationships – trust, respect, loyalty, honesty, desirability and to be loved back. Because I crave companionship it does not make me weak or desperate or worse yet, unable to be on my own. That is the biggest misconception about who I really am. I don’t need love, I want love. Just like I don’t need a man in my life, I want a man in my life. I am a hopeless romantic, in the sense that I believe in love even when it has broken me so many times. If someone is lucky enough to be allowed into my life I will do my best to be my best, for him, for me and for us. I do not give my heart to just anyone who pays attention to me. I have to feel a connection and when I do, I’m all in. The problem has been that my heart has not been protected back, it has been shattered and I need time to think about why that keeps happening. And if someone has not protected your heart, then you need to leave that relationship. It is a harsh truth. But think about it, the person you love should not hurt you, leave you or treat you badly. Simple as that. And I let too many men continually hurt me, emotionally, when I should have just walked away.

As I watched the surfers try, over and over again, to get up on their boards and ride the perfect wave it made me realize something as well. I will get up, over and over again, to save a relationship probably more times than I should. A relationship should take work but it shouldn’t be that hard, all the time.

I also realize that I am okay being alone right now. I still have someone in my life but I am keeping it private, we have a lot to work through and figure out before we can move forward, if we even do so. Finding a man has never been a problem for me. And as much as I enjoy companionship I will not settle. The man I am with has to want to be with me 100%. Right now, I am so incredibly busy with work and school that most of my spare time is schoolwork. And that is okay too, because in the end furthering my education is always worth it to me. If anything is meant to be relationship-wise it will happen, organically.

So just as those surfers did I will keep getting up, falling off and trying again. One day I will catch that perfect wave and all the falling off and getting back up will be worth it, no matter how hard and painful. I have to believe that it will happen.

And maybe in the end I’m just a girl, who has been broken too many times but still wants to love, and be loved. Maybe it will all be worth it and my next relationship will be my last. I have to believe there is a purpose and a reason for all this pain and maybe it is to let me know to not take love for granted when the right one walks in. And to cherish the beauty of it all when he does.

#dailyprompt

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Sometimes

Sometimes the pain is so great, you can’t feel anything else.

Sometimes you keep yourself as busy as possible, but you still can’t stop thinking about him.

Sometimes you wonder not if it will ever get better, but if it will stay better when it does.

Sometimes you need to just walk away when every fiber of your being is telling you not to do so.

Sometimes you run out of excuses trying to defend bad behavior.

Sometimes you are surrounded by a sea of people but you’ve never felt more alone.

When you write about relationships and you document your own failures time after time you start to feel as if things will never get better. As I said the other day I am taking time away from my blog and reassessing my life and why my relationships keep failing. Sometimes it is out of my control but at times it is not.

When I write I take comfort in knowing that I may be helping someone else who feels or is going through the same thing as well. For me it is cathartic but it is also painful, very painful. I’ve had people tell me I inspire them to keep moving on and admire that I can pick myself back up and keep trying. I am happy I can do that, but internally right now I am hurting really bad and need to step away and deal with all what is happening to me.

I know that relationships take work but they shouldn’t be as hard as mine have been. I’ve had many painful goodbyes in the past few years and I know that I deserve better than what I have experienced. I will not settle for the guys who walk away or disappear and come back on their terms. I will not settle for the guys who break up with me and then realize how much they miss me after time has passed. If I can’t be secure in knowing someone truly wants me for me and am always worrying if  he feels the same, then I need to say goodbye no matter how lonely or painful it will be. And right now I’ve had to say goodbye and it is very painful.

My advice to all of you in relationships in which you’ve had so much emotional pain inflicted on you – when people show you who they are, believe them. They know themselves much better than you do (Maya Angelou quote) Choose yourself, not the person who is hurting you.

See you all in a few weeks. I will be commenting and reading your blogs just not writing on my own blog until my heart heals and my emotions get stronger.

And please – stop making excuses in your own relationships and settling. You deserve so much better in life.

 

 

 

 

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Sometimes you just have to quit: How I prepared in advance for my own mental breakdown

This is a post written by a great friend of mine. Her struggle is real and her strength is amazing. I think we can all relate to what she has gone through and is still coping with. She nails it with this post – please give her a like and follow.

Whiskar Wilde

I’ve always been an independent person. I don’t like to ask for help. I’m slightly on the introverted side, so I prefer to work by myself. Or with one or two people I really like. But most of all, I like to be creative. This was a good place to be, more than 20 years ago, when I started my career in corporate communications and was in a small team, managing a small publication on my own.

Then things started getting uncomfortable. There were promotions, there were children, there were projects and people to manage. All normal milestones in life, and of course there were many aspects of these changes that I enjoyed. And I was good at it. I could work 12 hours a day, take care of the kids, pay the bills, and all with a sunny disposition.

On one hand, I was proud of being able to…

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Taking a Break

I’m going to take a break from blogging for a bit. I need to take care of myself as there is quite a lot of negative stress in my life right now. I’ll be okay I promise, and I’ll be back. Just need this time to regroup and recharge and get back to being happy and content. Life has been challenging and I’m running on empty. I know my limits physically and emotionally and it’s time to focus on me.

Xoxo

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Reading, Writing and Statistics, Oh My!

I saw Guitar Hero again. Things are progressing slowly but really well. I am happy that we are taking it slow, I need to and so does he. I am just enjoying the time we spend together and time is precious as we are both very busy individuals right now. There is a lot of chemistry there – physical and mental. And we communicate really well. No guessing games going on about when to see each other and what we expect right now. I guess when you throw two Geminis together you can’t help but communicate (I mean that jokingly).  I like that aspect about him and he about me. It’s refreshing. And I am doing my best to wait on the physical part and he too – and we both agree that is not easy. He tends to fall too hard too fast and well, if you follow my blog, I do quite the same. I don’t know where it will go, if anywhere, but I am having fun again. So it is better we wait – does it sound like I am trying hard to convince myself? Yep, I sure am. He is completely irresistible. Sigh….

Nothing new with VG. Not going to talk about him right now because well, I have nothing new to report.

And…

It’s official, classes have started for me and I am going to get my ass kicked to put it mildly. It’s always hard going back to school when you are older. You get thrown out of your routine and have to add in a new factor that will suck up time and your brain and energy along with it. But it is worth it.

I know I got this. I think I secretly love going back to school just not doing all the work. So my blog may suffer a little, my love life may suffer a little, going out may suffer a little, trying to get to the gym like I used to may suffer a little, okay, it all may suffer a lot. But my CV (Resume) will continue to be built up as well as the knowledge I possess and that is something worth suffering for. Maybe suffering is too dramatic a word, I am just using it for effect here, but balance will be key and keeping my calendar up to date will be an absolute necessity.

And did I mention work is super busy? I am rolling out a project in the next three months that will affect the entire University I work for. Yeah, no pressure there! Additionally a colleague and I are going to work on an evaluation and research project that we hope will be journal published too. I will soon be entering what is known as statistical research and writing hell 🙂 Yeah, throw all that into the mix too.

Happy Sunday everyone! Wishing everyone a great week ahead. Time for me to hit the books and watch Giants football later (American football for my followers outside the United States).

And for those in the path of Hurricane Irma please stay safe, make sure your pets are safe too, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

 

 

 

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