What it takes…

via Daily Prompt: Courage

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable takes courage. Many times we put up so many walls distancing ourselves from the outside out of fear and sometimes self-preservation.

I have never been one to put up walls. I do keep many things private about myself but I have never been one to play games in a relationship. Over the many years I have been in relationships I’ve gotten all types of advice. Many times I am sure the advice I was given probably would have worked in my favor. But I can only be who I am and I am not a game player. I am just who I am. If I like you I will tell you. If I am not happy about something I will tell you as well.

I am very happy and content in my current relationship. If I had followed conventional wisdom I would have just cut my losses after he ended it with me in July and never looked back. No second or third chance. Just walk away and don’t let him know how I really felt or how much I missed him. But I couldn’t do that. It felt so right and something kept drawing us back to each other.

He doesn’t deserve you.

He’s only going to hurt you again.

How can you trust him to not do this again?

You are too forgiving.

Problem is I couldn’t let go. I kept believing in my heart that we did belong together. We have something so unique. I was always very fully aware of the hurt being with him could cause me. But I also knew that I would regret it for a very long time if I didn’t have the courage to open my heart to him again. I have never met anyone like him and he says the same about me. We are very much alike with minor differences. We can be completely silly one moment and then serious the next. We say things at the same time and we just enjoy being together. After all the time we have spent together it doesn’t get stale. I can’t wait to see him and he me.

I want to live with you. I hate the thought of not seeing you wake up next to me.

I wish you didn’t have to go home.

I’m sorry it took me so long to get here but I needed to rid myself of my past so I can be present.

It is so different this time around. He is still the same guy that I fell for, but he is different with me. In a way that I had only hoped he would be. Maybe he did need this time to sort everything out and realize that he wanted to be with me. It was a long and difficult and very painful road to get where we are – for me and in a way, him too. But I know in my heart it is worth it. No matter how much I tried to fool myself that I was over him, that I would be happy with someone else too, I just couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. And I finally believe now that he feels the same.

It took us a long time to get where we are. We’ve both experienced immense heartbreak and were losers at the game of love. I cannot predict how this will all end but I can appreciate the here and now. And I am happy that I never put up those walls that would have shut him out for good. I followed my heart and I trusted the process even when I didn’t believe it would happen. I have never met anyone like him. I cherish every conversation, every laugh, every hug, every smile, every touch, every memory we make. Life is too short to play games, to hate someone, to live with regrets.

Things may not always go as planned. The future can’t be predicted, but the present can be cherished and the past can be your lesson. Not everyone deserves a chance and not everyone in my life gets one. But I had to take this chance and I had to follow my heart, no matter what anyone thinks, because in the end it is my life, my happiness, my mistakes and my lessons to learn.

Wishing everyone a great weekend.

 

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A Major Turn of Events

I haven’t had much time to write due to my time sucking classes and work priorities and overall exhaustion from it all. But hey, 12 more weeks til school ends!

Most days I feel like I am running on empty. It’s been harder to see friends when my whole week is spent trying to get through two 15 hour days and then one day in between to try to catch my breath. Weekends are spent doing assignments and catching up on work that needs to get done. Most of the time I don’t think my co-workers have any idea how much work I do on the weekends, but my supervisor does and that is what matters. It needs to get done and when you are stuck in meetings all week , it is nearly impossible to get a moment to get work done. But as soon as the weather gets warmer and school is over (beginning of May) I plan on taking lots of my saved up vacation time and just relaxing and reconnecting with friends and enjoying life.

As for my love life it has taken a major turn of events. New/old guy came into my life, then left it briefly, then back in full force, then a little thinking time apart and now we are back and better than ever. He asked me if I would move in with him early summer when my lease is up and after many deep and thought provoking conversations I have decided that I am ready to take that next step. I’m ready,  he is ready and we are ready. Everything with us has shifted for the better. It has been a rollercoaster of mostly ups and some very tough downs but I truly feel that I am where I am meant to be and he feels the same. We have known each other since August 2016 and honestly we spend so much time at each others places it makes sense to just take this step. It will make my commute easier since he lives closer to my job and most of all it gives us time together too which many days is so hard to do because of our work and school commitments.

I have never met anyone like him, sometimes it is like looking into a mirror. We are scarily alike, work in the same profession (a major plus), like so many of the same things and have differences that don’t break us. We want to travel together. In all the time I have spent with him and it has been a lot, we never lack for conversation, laughter and well, you know – major attraction. And yes, I have lived with a man before (more than one but not at the same time 🙂 ) so this isn’t my first time at this rodeo.

Sometimes the past haunts you so bad you need time to purge it to move forward. There is no excuse for the heartbreak he put me through, but there is understanding and honestly if I didn’t give it a chance I know I would be missing out on what may be one of the greatest relationships of my life. I don’t expect anyone to understand my choices when it comes to him. I don’t write about every conversation we have had or every experience, nor do I share my entire life with him so choosing this path with him again was not a spur of the moment decision or something I am doing out of fear of loneliness. I am very well aware of the hurt but judgement is easy on the outside looking in, I understand that – but I am in the one in and it is where I want to be. I have always wanted him, it just took him some time to figure out where he knew he wanted to be. And as hard as that was I am happy he took that time – he is ready.

Things feel different, better. I am happy, I am content and I am at peace. And I hope I haven’t jinxed it by talking about it, I am very superstitious that way.

Now if only work and school would calm down a little.

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It’s been a while

I feel like I haven’t written in a very long time. School has started, work is busy and both are taking up much of my time. I have two late night classes that require me to stay in work all day  and then attend class at night which equals to a fifteen hour day. The word exhausting does not cover how I feel at the end of the night and the next day at work. But I keep telling myself it will be over the end of April and then I can relax.

I like my classes and I think they are a little more manageable this semester – still a lot of work but very manageable. Work, however is beyond busy, which is good for job security but bad for my stress level – I am drained. But I manage it all the best I can – that is all I can do.

As for life everyone is holding steady medically. No new changes health-wise except for a small scare with my Mom but we expect everything to be okay.

As for my love life – well it has sure had its ups and downs the past few weeks but it now has seemed to settle, somewhat. Sometimes it takes painful time apart to realize where you belong. Maybe the path should be easier, maybe it shouldn’t be complicated, but hopefully when you do arrive at the same place it is where you want to be, with whom you want to be. I’ve been through so much with a certain person that so many times I just wanted to give up but I just felt in my heart that it will all be worth it, the journey that we have taken to get where we are. I may be wrong, but it is a chance I have to take and I don’t want to live with regrets of “what if.” More on that a later time.

Wishing everyone a great week. xoxo

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Second Chances

via Daily Prompt: Entertain

Do exes deserve a second chance? How about a third chance? or more? Are they exes for a reason or was the reason that they became an ex fixable?

I have been grappling with this dilemma for a few weeks now. I haven’t written much about it all because, well, I am very confused and honestly I am not ready to write about it all, yet. One has been back in my life since October, very present but not without its challenges, and the other has been trying to get back in, but not hard enough.

I have a strong feeling I know where my heart longs to be, but it is the constant battle in my heart that will not let me entertain leaving one behind. I care about them both and can see a future with either of them. It is more confusing than you think and harder than I ever imagined.  I thought I was secure in my decision, but then feelings come back for the other. They have both been in my life in various stages since summer 2016, a long time. I am sure clarity will come soon and I will be able to move ahead. I need to move ahead because this situation is not fair to them or me. I know that and I own it, no lectures needed. Someone will get hurt and it may very well be me.

But for now work is busier than ever and school starts again this week. Unfortunately both classes end at 10pm two days per week which will lead to exhausting times ahead for me. I keep telling myself 16 weeks and I will be done and my graduate certificate completed. School is a great distraction even though it is draining and it will all be worth it in the end.

Then it is time to decide – PhD or 2nd Masters Degree, or perhaps a break to think about it all.

Have a great week everyone xoxo.

#dailyprompt

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Bring on 2018

Happy New Year and Happy 2018! 

Don’t make resolutions just resolve to make each day count. 

 xo ~ Karen

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I Want Real

via Daily Prompt: Extravagant

I never understood the need for extravagant gifts from the person you love. I’ve had that and in the end the relationship meant nothing to me and neither did the gifts he gave to me.

I am very simple. Time together is the best present anyone can give me. I would rather talk, prepare a meal together, laugh at all the funny things happening around us. Making memories is priceless.

And I am doing all of this again and it feels good. No, actually it feels great. I have something pretty special going on in my life but I am going to preserve it for now.  I want to share and I will, one day. But not yet. Things are familiar but very different, in a good way. Maybe I finally got my happening ending, from a new beginning. Time will tell and I hope time is on my side. Its been a long time coming and lots of hard work on my part. I have fallen a thousand times but what matters is how I get back up. And I do, every single time, sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but ultimately I get back up. We all know old scars are hard to heal. And that is what I am working on for me. I’m trying to not always expect the worst to happen and live in the moment.

I’ve been contemplating shutting down my blog but I realized I would miss writing and I would miss connecting with all of you. So I may just write less for now but I will not be going away, at least not for good.

I am happy, I am content and I am looking forward to 2018. And that is the best gift of all.

#dailyprompt

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A Wrap Up and a Goodbye for Now

As the month ends and we say goodbye to 2017, I wanted to do a year end wrap up and thank you and also say goodbye for now.

The little blog that could has grown so immensely and the support I have received from so many of you has been heartwarming and appreciated more than my words could express.

This year turned out to be a year of hope and challenges and unfortunately heartbreak, again. I have thrived in my job, which I love. I have pushed and (hopefully) succeeded in continuing my education. My family still has health challenges but everyone is holding steady. My friends who are my family are more important to me than I could ever express and I love them more than words could describe for me.

But there has been one part of my life that is a constant failure – my relationships. This year was particularly hard on me in that department. And so was 2016. And the year before that.

When a relationship fails the two people in it share part of the blame in its demise. But the one relationship which has hurt me the most was not at all my fault for the way it ended. It had nothing to do with me. It has been bad timing on his part, his own insecurities and his issues, not mine. But unfortunately I am the collateral damage. Please don’t tell me I am better off without him. He made a mistake or you will find love with the right person. I know people say those things to make you feel better and do so with only the best intentions. And I know that and I appreciate it, but it is not what I want to hear.

I have struggled with shutting my blog down for good. There is only so much heartbreak you can write about and not feel beaten down emotionally and physically from it. Yes at times it is cathartic but most times it is just painful and embarrassing. Why? Everyone knows how much you have failed.

I want to be optimistic for 2018. I want to feel like I did as 2017 slid in and be sure that it was going to be my year. But, it wasn’t, again. It was hard, painful at times, and unfair. I have lost my optimism for 2018. And maybe it is just time to step away and figure out what path I need to take, if any.

I wanted this post to be joyous and happy, but when you aren’t feeling that way it is impossible. I know we all struggle and have issues that we deal with. But when it is you struggling you feel like you are the only one.

I’m not sure what I will do the next few days regarding my blog. I need time to think about my life. But I want to say thank you, to all of you who read, support and pick me up when I need it most.

I  hope you find love and happiness, but most of all peace in 2018. Whatever holiday you celebrate may it be a good one for you. I know many of you will be having a hard time coping, I understand that, all too well. And I wish there was a way to take away that pain. If I could invent a magic pill, I would give it out for free. Because we all pay such a heavy price when we have pain.

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All signs point to…

via Daily Prompt: Compass

All signs point to…a new beginning. Work, love, family, life – all of it has been challenging this year. I started out 2017 hopeful. My compass was pointed away from the path of sadness and despair that was my 2016 and leading me to a new path in 2017. But once again there were so many challenges – love lost, then gained, then lost again. Family healthy, then not healthy, then healthy again. Work hopeful, busy and happy, then challenging and combative, then peaceful and successful again.

As 2017 draws to a close, my compass seems to be leading me toward a positive path. I am always so worried that it will all change in a heartbeat and I will be thrown off course again. And it may very well happen, but right now I need to enjoy the path I am on. Life is good. Work is good. Love is good. My family is good.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I have today – and for that I am thankful.

#dailyprompt

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Closing Chapters, Opening New Ones

School is almost over! One more project, one more paper but no more classes (yay). I cannot wait to just read a magazine again, watch something mindless on TV or Netflix and just relax. I’m pushing myself to just finish these two projects by Sunday.

So I am also debating starting a PhD program in the Fall. I’ve been inspired by a few people in my life to just go for it, one unexpected person in particular and if I am granted tuition assistance then there really is no excuse. The work is daunting but I know I can handle it.

I’m not going to elaborate on my personal life right now. I went through a rough patch a few weeks ago but the outcome was not what I had originally thought. Sometimes it just takes a little compromise (okay maybe a lot) and the ability to listen to be able to understand. Being completely and utterly stressed out didn’t help matters. Every worse case scenario appeared in front of me, some of it warranted, but in the end it was okay. Time will tell what happens but sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball.

I’ll be writing my 2017 wrap-up soon and what a year it has been. So many highs and also many lows too. I’m optimistic for 2018 but more on that later.

Right now it’s time to get back to finishing my assignments. Five more days!!!!!!

Have a great day everyone, xo

 

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Forever Learning

via Daily Prompt: Degree

If you follow me you know my struggles with both love, going back to school to earn another degree, family illnesses, etc.

Life is very rarely smooth sailing. Even people who you think have the best of it from the outside looking in are also struggling too in when you get a glimpse on the inside.

I went through a rough patch this week and received support and some humorous outlooks on things from very unexpected people as well as the usual suspects in my life. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I feel stressed and overwhelmed by my job and constant educational aspirations. But my support network is what keeps me sane, level=headed, positive and encouraged.

At this moment right now I have a lot going on. Final exam this week, final analysis project, final research paper and then….time to relax, recoup and recharge. And finally get my Christmas shopping completed.

And life is good, really good. Unexpected surprises have led to new smiles and a new outlook on things.

Learn to appreciate the little things. Sometimes I have a tendency to look at the big picture and feel as if I am failing if things aren’t exactly as I planned. And as I always preach – appreciate those who love and support you, not matter how much you feel you are burdening them, I can guarantee that you are not. Because true friends understand, listen and help you get back on track. And remember to be that friend too. The road of friendship should be a two way street. Don’t ever take anyone for granted.

Wishing everyone a wonderful, restful weekend.

#dailyprompt

 

 

 

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